1
00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:13,810
Tonight, Richard tests a van,

2
00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:17,290
I drive an old, brown Porsche,

3
00:00:17,340 --> 00:00:20,530
and James uses a telephone.

4
00:00:20,580 --> 00:00:23,140
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

5
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Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.

6
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Thank you so much, thank
you, everybody, thank you.

7
00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:37,820
Now... Now...

8
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:44,010
Ambulance response times have
been in the news just recently.

9
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:47,530
It seems that many ambulances
aren't getting to

10
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:51,210
critically ill patients
as fast as they should be.

11
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And nobody seems to know why...

12
00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:55,810
except us.

13
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You see, the National Health
Service believes that this

14
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is a fast-response vehicle,

15
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but it isn't even on nodding
terms with the concept of fast.

16
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It started out in life as
a van with a diesel engine,

17
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and then they added more weight.

18
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And that gave us an idea.

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SIREN WAILS

20
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Here's a traditional ambulance.

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It's big and it's bulky

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and it's stuck in rush-hour traffic.

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Plus, it's being driven by a chap
who knows how to drain a lung,

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but he doesn't know
how to trail brake

25
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or execute a racing gear change.

26
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Our ambulance, however,
is really different.

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SIREN WAILS

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Yes, it's the Stig in an emergency
version of Top Gear's P45,

29
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the smallest road-legal
car ever made.

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That means it can fit through
the tiniest gaps.

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And make its own lane in the jams.

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And when it gets to the
scene of an emergency,

33
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it can drive right up to the
building and then go inside.

34
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All of this saves time, and
saving time saves lives.

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Of course, you're probably wondering
how on earth the patient can

36
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now be transported to hospital
in an ambulance as small as this.

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Well, that is where our genius
really comes into play because,

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well, here comes the Stig now
with a patient who has been

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literally bored into a coma by one
of the meetings they have in here.

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Yes, and as you can see, he simply
has to clip the stretcher

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on to the back of the P45
and he's ready to go.

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~ Yeah.
~ Sometimes I think our genius is tangible.

43
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~ It's like... it's like it has a mass.
~ Yeah, it's like another presence.

44
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It's still there when we've gone.

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Yeah. I mean, we've solved
many things over the years,

46
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but I think that is our
finest hour, it really is.

47
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Yeah, I think it's up there
with the best we've ever done.

48
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~ Oh!
~ Jeez!

49
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~ Oh.
~ Oh. I think we need to
call for an ambulance.

50
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~ That's a good idea.
~ OK, I'll do it.

51
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~ Do you know what the number is?
~ Nine...

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~ Is it nine?
~ Oh, hello.
~ Excuse me.
~ Oh...

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Gentlemen.

54
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"You idiots."

55
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~ Hmm. Fair point, this time.
~ Yeah.
~ "You've killed a man."

56
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~ He wasn't going to make it anyway.
~ No, I don't think he was.

57
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~ He looked very peaky.
~ He did.

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"It's all very well building
a faster ambulance,

59
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"but it's no good if you have
to tow the patient to hospital.

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"Now go back to the drawing board
and, for once, do it properly."

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~ Right.
~ Mm-hm, OK.

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So we've got to build something

63
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that's faster than
a normal ambulance.

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Yeah, but it's got to have
room for the patient.

65
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~ Inside it.
~ Inside it. Yeah.

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That's... that's where
we went wrong there.

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Naturally, we couldn't
agree on what vehicle

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we should use as a start point,

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so each of us went our own way.

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BRAKES SQUEAL

71
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Here is what I have chosen.

72
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Yeah, it is a van,
but it's a Chevy G20.

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Under there, 5.7-litre
small block Chevy V8.

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What I've got is a V8
ambulance, but there's more.

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That thing, £150,000.

76
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This? About £5,000.

77
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I am saving the NHS a lot of money

78
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that they can spend better
on bandages and those...

79
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,290
paper bottles that you wee in?

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At this point, the
orang-utan arrived.

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Hello.

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What?

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BRAKES SQUEAL

84
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~ Well...
~ Porsche 944 Turbo.

85
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Yes, I know. It's not
very ambulance-y, is it?

86
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What's wrong with it?

87
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This was actually designed
as an ambulance by Porsche.

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~ Was it?
~ It was.
~ In what way is it an ambulance?

89
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~ Make that work for me.
~ Right, OK, fine.

90
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Full James May spec - brown,
brown interior, brown carpet,

91
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brown dashboard -

92
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so that if there's a trouser
accident with the patient

93
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you don't see it,

94
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,490
and the whole point is, we were
told to get a fast ambulance,

95
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were we not? It's a 944 Turbo.

96
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Top speed 152mph.

97
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~ And this is yours?
~ Oh, yeah.

98
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~ Top speed?
~ It's so big that they won't even tell you.

99
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~ They don't even know what the top speed is.
~ Is it?

100
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~ There is no top speed.
~ Is it? Is it?
~ Yeah. Look at that.

101
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~ Ohh...
~ Yep, I know. It's brilliant, isn't it?

102
00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:35,410
Electric seats.

103
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:39,090
Why is every single car you ever
buy for one of these challenges

104
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filled with ruched Dralon?

105
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I don't know, just something
that happens. I don't know..

106
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Now, I'm sorry, Hammond,
mine is better than yours.

107
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Look at the size of this boot!

108
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'To demonstrate its enormity,
I made Hammond climb into it.'

109
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~ It's not brilliant.
~ Tell me I've done this wrong.

110
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~ Yeah.
~ Tell me I've done this wrong.

111
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~ Um, one thing.
~ What?

112
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~ It is quite incredibly hot in here.
~ Is it?

113
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I'm in a greenhouse. I'm quite
quickly beginning to cook.

114
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'As Hammond simmered to death...'

115
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Oh, look!

116
00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:10,560
'..an undertaker arrived.'

117
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~ Um...
~ Oh, sorry.

118
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~ Gentlemen.
~ Oh, God!

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HE WHEEZES

120
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Behold, the Ford Scorpio Cardinal.

121
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So, what's really
interesting about this car

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is what's going on under here.

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This has a 2.9-litre, quad cam,
24-valve V6 developed by Cosworth

124
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and giving 207 horsepower.

125
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~ And... and it has traction control.
~ Yes...

126
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And... it has a sport button.

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All very interesting, James.
You did very good indeed.

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~ But there's a bit of
an elephant in the room.
~ Yes, I knew you

129
00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:50,490
were going to say that. It's not
Ford's finest styling, I know,

130
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but that hardly matters if you've
just fallen off a ladder!

131
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That's not the elephant
we're talking about.

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~ The elephant's a little further back.
~ It's a hearse!

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~ It is a hearse, James.
~ It's what you put dead people in!

134
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Well, look at it this way.

135
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If you lose the patient, which does
happen, you've still got a job.

136
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But look at the plus sides - it's
very fast, it's very smooth...

137
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~ Is it?
~ Yes, it is. It's very refined.
It's the right shape

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for patients already.

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This is a type of car that has
actually been misused for years.

140
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Tell you what it would make
- brilliant camper van.

141
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Yeah, yeah, good ice-cream
van as well.

142
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Or burger van, anything like
that, anything van-like.

143
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Yes, yes, but not an ambulance.

144
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'My protests were then halted
by the arrival of a challenge.'

145
00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:31,610
~ Ah.
~ Go on, then.

146
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,450
"You will now do a drag race

147
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,770
"with your ambulances against
the NHS equivalent."

148
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:40,810
Must be that. "Many points will
be awarded to the winner."

149
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~ Well...
~ Well, I'm the winner.
~ Well...
~ Well, I...

150
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No, you parked next to...
That's a Chevy engine,

151
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that's a Corvette engine in there,
basically, as I have said.

152
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~ Shall we just do it and see?
~ Yes.
~ That's the sort of point.

153
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'Moments later, we took our
places on the start line.'

154
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Sport, traction control off,

155
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remain dignified, drive, I'm ready.

156
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Prepare to be surprised.

157
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ENGINE REVS

158
00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:13,730
When this car was new, it produced
217 horsepower, but today I'm not

159
00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:18,410
so sure because when I opened the
turbo yesterday, I found this in it.

160
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Bits of what could be gravel
or broken ceramic. I don't know.

161
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I just know it has no place in
a piece of hi-tech equipment.

162
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ENGINE REVS

163
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That's all it's got.
I'll just leave it open.

164
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ENGINES REV

165
00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:40,850
Weirdest ambulance race in
history is about to begin.

166
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:44,090
Three, two, one!

167
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AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES

168
00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,490
Oh, I'm going to win!
I'm getting ahead.

169
00:08:50,540 --> 00:08:53,130
My mirror's dropping out.

170
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:54,890
Eat my dust, Chevrolet!

171
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Oh, my God, no!

172
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The hearse is mighty.

173
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Look at it go! 100!

174
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,610
But it seems, yes...

175
00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:11,690
Oh, no!

176
00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:15,020
..the Porsche is mightier
than the hearse.

177
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And across the line at 120mph!

178
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:27,810
The A-Team had one of these!

179
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:31,460
Hammond, my commiserations
on your unfortunate loss.

180
00:09:32,580 --> 00:09:34,170
Thank you.

181
00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:36,050
'The fact is, though,

182
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:40,050
'that all our vehicles were faster
than the National Health Service,

183
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,890
'and having proved that,

184
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:46,300
'we were told to go off and make
them a bit more ambulance-y.'

185
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,860
Thank you very much.

186
00:09:51,980 --> 00:09:53,850
Thank you very much.

187
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:59,490
Now, we're going to pick that up...
We'll pick that up later on,

188
00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:02,810
but just before we move on and
do the news, can I just say,

189
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:06,290
if you're standing in a
field with a severed arm,

190
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:08,970
you don't want the NHS
to arrive in a diesel van.

191
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:11,410
You don't want someone
coming in a hearse.

192
00:10:11,460 --> 00:10:12,890
It's a Cosworth hearse.

193
00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:16,370
I don't care if it's a Bugatti
hearse, it's still a hearse.

194
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:19,490
And what it says to the patient
is, "You're not going to make it."

195
00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:21,450
It does, James. It does.

196
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,410
But the point I'm trying to make
is this, OK, not only are you

197
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:27,850
bothered about what car they
come in, but also the driver.

198
00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:30,410
You don't want to be rescued
by Josh out of Casualty.

199
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,010
You want Lewis Hamilton.

200
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,970
~ Now, that is a good point, actually.
~ Yes, it is.

201
00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:38,770
It is because, if you think about
it, racing drivers are like actors.

202
00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:41,450
At any given moment, 97%
of them are out of work.

203
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,770
So why doesn't the NHS take them on?

204
00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:45,690
They could be doing something useful.

205
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:47,850
And what's Nigel Mansell
doing these days?

206
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,410
Cos he'd be a brilliant
ambulance driver,

207
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:53,250
~ wouldn't he?
~ He would.
~ With his comforting Brummie accent

208
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:56,050
and his reassuring moustache
in the front of the ambulance.

209
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,970
~ I'd love to know he was there.
~ Anyway, we must now do the news.

210
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:00,570
And, uh, oh, yes,

211
00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:03,330
we've had a number of complaints
about last week's show.

212
00:11:03,380 --> 00:11:06,130
People said it was cruel
to blow up a cow.

213
00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:10,250
Well, I want to make it
absolutely plain right now -

214
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:14,170
no cow was hurt in the
making of that film.

215
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,530
~ Its death was instantaneous.
~ Yeah.

216
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:19,490
~ Wouldn't have felt a thing.
~ Immediate, it wouldn't have known.

217
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:24,370
~ Right, next.
~ Yes, I have news, very exciting
news. It is a new Ferrari.

218
00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:27,610
~ There is a picture of it here. That...
~ Holy Moley!

219
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,530
~ Wow.
~ Yes indeed.

220
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:31,730
That is the 488 GTB.

221
00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:35,570
It has a 3.9-litre turbo-charged V8,

222
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:39,490
661 horsepower, 0-60 in
three seconds. Look at it.

223
00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:42,770
Correct me if I'm wrong, this is the
replacement, isn't it, for the 458?

224
00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:45,410
~ Yes, it is.
~ I'm just thinking, if you had a 458,

225
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,250
you'd be feeling suicidal now,

226
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,170
~ wouldn't you?
~ Yeah, you would. Yeah.
~ That's prettier,

227
00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:54,370
faster, it's turbo-charged, it
does 25 miles to the gallon.

228
00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:57,290
50% more downforce than the 458.

229
00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:00,490
~ Yeah.
~ Yeah, yeah.
~ James?
~ Yes, Richard?

230
00:12:00,540 --> 00:12:05,330
~ Haven't you got a 458?
~ Oh, I completely forgot.
~ Yes, I have.

231
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,250
It's worthless now,

232
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:09,450
literally worthless,
now they've done that.

233
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:13,210
You might just want to give it away
to a member of the audience here.

234
00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:15,290
AUDIENCE: Yeah!

235
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,690
~ It's worthless.
~ I think we should maybe put it...

236
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,610
Let's open it to all the viewers.

237
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:23,090
If you'd like James's Ferrari
write to us at James May,

238
00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:26,330
I'll Take That Ferrari
Off Your Hands If I Must,

239
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:29,450
BBC, London... wherever we are.

240
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:34,010
~ You know, people are actually
going to write in now.
~ Yes.

241
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:36,330
And we're actually
going to give it away.

242
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:38,210
Yeah, we are. We're committed now.

243
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:40,090
That is a thing of
extraordinary beauty.

244
00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,410
But I have to say this -
McLaren quick to respond,

245
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,490
they also have announced a new car.

246
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:47,050
Can't remember what it's
called, it doesn't matter.

247
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,370
They sent us a picture
of it. Here it is.

248
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:50,890
LAUGHTER

249
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:53,730
I'm not actually joking. They
genuinely sent that going,

250
00:12:53,780 --> 00:12:56,250
~ "We've got a new car."
~ It's not actually a car, is it?

251
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,850
~ Not really, no.
~ It's not finished.

252
00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,810
I think I prefer the Ferrari.

253
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:03,450
Now, I want to talk
about immigration,

254
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,330
and as I said that, the
entire BBC management team

255
00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:10,490
sat bolt upright in their
sitting rooms and went,

256
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,690
"Oh, no, where's he going with this?"

257
00:13:12,740 --> 00:13:14,410
Well, relax, LADIES,

258
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,600
don't choke on your tofu.

259
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,730
All I want to say is,
if you are an immigrant,

260
00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:24,050
you've just arrived
in Britain, welcome.

261
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,450
Make yourselves at home. We
hope you're very happy here.

262
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:29,250
Yeah, absolutely, we mean this.
Thank you for coming here,

263
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:31,850
thank you for working hard,
thank you for paying taxes,

264
00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:33,410
thank you for cleaning my car.

265
00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:37,370
And we're off the air. That's the
end of that. It's been great.

266
00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:40,930
No, the man who runs the
car valeting place near me

267
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:43,290
has recently arrived from
Albania and he's brilliant.

268
00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:45,970
No-one else is going to do it.
He is superb, that's what I meant,

269
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,650
~ thank you very much.
~ Fair enough. Well done, James.

270
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,410
What I wanted to say is,

271
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:53,410
I've noticed this, driving around
in Britain, OK, I've noticed

272
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:56,290
a lot of the new boys, people
who've just arrived in Britain,

273
00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:58,730
have to understand how you
use the motorways here -

274
00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:02,090
that the right-hand lane, the outside
lane, is for overtaking -

275
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,610
and then when you've completed
your overtaking,

276
00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:07,530
you then move back into the
two inside lanes again.

277
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,970
I'm just passing that on
as a piece of information.

278
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:11,970
Cos that's how it
works here, exactly.

279
00:14:12,020 --> 00:14:14,450
~ Think of that right-hand
lane as the lavatory.
~ Yeah.

280
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,610
You go in, do what you've got to
do, and then you come out again.

281
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:19,730
You don't stay in there all day.

282
00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:22,650
Unless you're James May, then
I don't know what you're doing.

283
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,530
But, actually, seriously,
you can't blame people

284
00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:27,090
for not necessarily knowing that.

285
00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:29,090
If you move to a completely
different country,

286
00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:31,850
there's a lot of stuff that you
don't know that you have to learn.

287
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:35,170
Exactly. We travel an awful
lot, as I'm sure you know.

288
00:14:35,220 --> 00:14:38,290
I mean, in India, for example,
if you're behind a lorry

289
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:42,130
and it indicates right, that means,
"I have seen you in my mirrors,

290
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:45,170
"do please feel free to overtake,"

291
00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:47,610
OR it means, "I'm turning right."

292
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:48,850
Yeah, it does.

293
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:51,770
And if only there'd been a motoring
show that would've told us

294
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:53,730
when we got there that
that's what it means.

295
00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:55,610
~ It's a valuable service.
~ Yeah, exactly.

296
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:59,290
Because in Burma, for example,
if you turn your headlights off,

297
00:14:59,340 --> 00:15:01,690
~ that means it's night-time.
~ Mmm.

298
00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:03,970
There's lots and lots of
different little nuances

299
00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:05,450
when you're driving on the road.

300
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:09,090
There's another one in Britain,
for people who've just got here.

301
00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:11,850
If you're stopped by the
police for any reason,

302
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,730
it's traditional in Britain

303
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:17,570
~ to cup the officer's
face and kiss him lightly.
~ Yeah, yeah.

304
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:20,570
And, quite often, you'll find
he'll give you a traditional

305
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,570
little friendly punch in the face.

306
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:25,810
And maybe a jovial little tase
along with it. It's just...

307
00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:30,290
I think what we're trying to say
is, get out of the outside lane!

308
00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:34,770
Oh, now! There's a new special
edition of the Range Rover Evoque,

309
00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:37,890
~ it's called the NW8.
~ NW8?
~ Yes. There it is.

310
00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:40,530
They've named it after
a London postcode?

311
00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:43,570
Yeah, next up probably
will be the E17.

312
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:46,930
A car that runs over its own driver.

313
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,500
LAUGHTER

314
00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:55,290
~ What's the matter now?
~ I don't get that.

315
00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:58,210
~ East 17...
~ It's a postcode. Why would a postcode...

316
00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:02,010
~ How could a postcode...
~ East 17 is a band, Brian Harvey?

317
00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:03,930
~ Is he a driver?
~ No, Hammond, look...

318
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,250
LAUGHTER

319
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:08,210
Hammond... Basically, the only
band he knows is the Wurzels.

320
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:11,650
That's the problem. Now, I want
to talk about stopping distances,

321
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:14,250
we touched on this when we
were in Australia last week.

322
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:18,090
You see, the Government says
we have to be limited to 70mph

323
00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:23,050
on the motorway because the stopping
distance from 70 is 315 feet,

324
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,810
which they say that's an
acceptable stopping distance

325
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:28,370
so therefore you can't
go any faster than 70.

326
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,610
Exactly. But we know that
it isn't 315, don't we,

327
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:33,010
because we demonstrated this
in Australia last week.

328
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:35,050
Well, from 60, yes.
But we made the point.

329
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,130
So what we were wondering
is, how fast do you actually

330
00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:42,050
have to be going before
you need 315 feet to stop?

331
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,650
Mmm. So we actually decided,
this morning in fact,

332
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:46,050
to do an experiment.

333
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,690
We've got footage of it here.

334
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:52,250
It's the Stig driving along in a
diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia.

335
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,930
And he's building up speed to
brake point now, full braking

336
00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:57,610
and that's the Stig doing it.

337
00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:00,770
And there we are, 315 feet exactly.

338
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,250
Anyone want to guess
how fast he was going

339
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,010
when he pressed the brake pedal?

340
00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:07,490
~ AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT
~ 100mph?

341
00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:10,850
130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel?

342
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:13,250
No. Try to be realistic.

343
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:17,450
110? actually he was doing 112mph.

344
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,890
So if the Government says
that the speed limit is

345
00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:21,930
determined by stopping distance,

346
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:25,210
then we should be allowed
to drive at 112mph.

347
00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:27,370
~ Perfectly logical.
~ You can't argue with it.

348
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:29,930
APPLAUSE

349
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,410
It's logic.

350
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:35,290
Right, OK. Now it's time to get
back to our ambulance film.

351
00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:37,890
So far, we've established
that my car, his van

352
00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:40,490
and his hearse are faster
than the NHS equivalent,

353
00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:43,370
and now we pick up the action
after we've converted them

354
00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:45,170
into actual ambulances.

355
00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:48,300
HOLBY CITY THEME TUNE

356
00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:52,570
We reconvened once more at our track,

357
00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:55,340
and James was the first to arrive.

358
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:04,090
Hello, viewers, and as you would
expect, I have done it properly.

359
00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:05,970
This is no longer a hearse,

360
00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:09,620
it is the future of club
class recovery transport.

361
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:12,930
I've based it all on
business jet travel.

362
00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:15,890
It goes fast and makes
you feel better.

363
00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:18,930
Choice of pillows, television
to show your journey.

364
00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:21,490
A lovely view to the top. A lovely
view out of the windows.

365
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,010
What could be wrong with it?
It is the perfect ambulance.

366
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:27,170
I don't know why nobody's thought
of it before, to be brutally honest.

367
00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:29,650
~ LOUDSPEAKER: James May!
~ Oh, crikey.

368
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:35,410
Prepare to be blown away by the
turbulence of my magnificence!

369
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:37,250
Behold, look what I have done!

370
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,690
I'm prepared to bask in the fetid
belch of his incompetence,

371
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:42,290
but, anyway, let's see. Hello.

372
00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:44,290
JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT

373
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:49,460
The challenge, as you know,
was to build a fast ambulance.

374
00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:54,770
~ I've added 300 horsepower...
~ Have you?
~ .. with the paint job.

375
00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:57,570
~ Right.
~ You'll notice...

376
00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:00,330
~ hydraulic handbrake.
~ Hydraulic handbrake?

377
00:19:00,380 --> 00:19:03,090
~ Hydraulic handbrake.
~ You often hear ambulance drivers saying,

378
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:05,130
"If only I'd had a
hydraulic handbrake."

379
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:08,050
You've never heard them say that
cos they've never thought of it.

380
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,490
~ OK.
~ Telephone number.

381
00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:12,170
Yes, telephone number. That
works everywhere, doesn't it?

382
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,850
~ That's good, I can see the performance.
~ Yes. Yes.

383
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,410
~ That? ~ This?
~ Yeah. ~ This?
~ Yeah.

384
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,770
This is genius. No other word for it.

385
00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:23,290
'But before I could explain,
Hammond arrived.'

386
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:25,970
CASUALTY THEME TUNE

387
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,370
Oh, my God.

388
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:29,020
Oh, yeah.

389
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,450
Ambulance.

390
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:35,970
It doesn't say...

391
00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:40,970
No, what it says is "lo-cost nuclear
waste disposal", not "ambulance".

392
00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:43,650
No, what it says is,
"Get out of the way!"

393
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,570
Because you would. You see that,
you're not going to just sit there

394
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:49,130
dithering, "Oh, I might, I might
not." You're going to run.

395
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:51,970
~ What's this?
~ Well, if you're stuck
in traffic, for instance,

396
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:54,490
and you saw this, and green
gas started coming out,

397
00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:57,810
~ you wouldn't be stuck in traffic any more.
~ So, you're scaring people

398
00:19:57,860 --> 00:20:00,530
out of the way of your
high-performance ambulance?

399
00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:02,570
~ Yes!
~ Ah, but it isn't high performance.
~ No.

400
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:05,290
~ That's what I'm about to say.
~ Uh, uh, uh!
~ Is it any faster?

401
00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:08,170
Yes, I have addressed the issue
of speed very cleverly.

402
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,610
What I've fitted...

403
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:13,530
If you look over there - nitrous!

404
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,490
Because it has two purposes.

405
00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:17,970
It's what they use as laughing
gas in hospitals, isn't it?

406
00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:20,530
~ Yes.
~ So, if the patient needs to
be made to feel a bit better,

407
00:20:20,580 --> 00:20:22,090
I switch that to "patient".

408
00:20:22,140 --> 00:20:25,090
If I want to go a bit faster,
I switch that to "engine"

409
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:28,570
and it diverts the nitrous into the
engine, another several hundred BHP.

410
00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:31,610
~ Of course!
~ Yes!
~ Nitrous is the same thing
that drag racers use

411
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:34,660
~ to go faster and that they use...
~ Yeah, yeah.

412
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:39,930
'James then demonstrated
the motorised loading bay

413
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:42,530
'he'd fitted to his hearse-bulance.'

414
00:20:42,580 --> 00:20:45,130
SLOW WHIRRING

415
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,530
~ Oh, the speed, the speed!
~ I'm bleed....

416
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,450
~ It's my femoral artery! I'm bleeding out.
~ We're bleeding to death!

417
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,850
It's slowing now, it's
not bleeding as quickly.

418
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:55,290
JEREMY GRUNTS It's barely
dribbling out now!

419
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:57,970
It's a good job you've got
a Cosworth engine, James,

420
00:20:58,020 --> 00:21:01,090
~ because you've got a lot of time to make up.
~ Can we have a look inside?

421
00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:04,210
~ Of course you can.
~ Oh, look it...
~ RAMP THUDS

422
00:21:04,260 --> 00:21:05,690
RICHARD SIGHS

423
00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:08,890
~ You've broken it.
~ It won't take the weight
of a tiny, tiny man.

424
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:13,340
'I then demonstrated my much faster
patient-loading solution.'

425
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:19,690
~ JEREMY HUMS TO HIMSELF Oh, I say!
~ Wheels deployed.

426
00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:22,530
Wheels deployed there,
wheels deploy there.

427
00:21:22,580 --> 00:21:25,610
Ouch! Annoyingly, that's
actually quite clever.

428
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:28,530
~ This is a split folding...
It's like a Range Rover Porsche.
~ Exactly!

429
00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:31,770
Don't sit it on it, you've already
broken one tailgate today.

430
00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:35,120
'And my brilliant engineering
didn't stop there.'

431
00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:38,770
I'm driving down a narrow street,

432
00:21:38,820 --> 00:21:41,650
parked cars are on either
side, I can't get through.

433
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,570
CLICKS FINGERS

434
00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:45,220
~ Clear!
~ What?!

435
00:21:49,220 --> 00:21:52,810
~ What?
~ It's a ram-bulance!
~ RICHARD LAUGHS

436
00:21:52,860 --> 00:21:56,610
~ Oh, I see, I thought it was a snowplough.
~ My God, this is...

437
00:21:56,660 --> 00:21:58,890
~ Sheet steel, ten mil.
~ OK.

438
00:21:58,940 --> 00:22:00,810
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

439
00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:04,210
~ Heavy?
~ Very.
~ Hmm.
~ That's why it folds back.

440
00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:07,370
~ Oh, what, cos it's lighter
when it's folded back?
~ No, no, no, no, b...

441
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,370
~ Do you know nothing about
weight distribution?
~ 50-50 distribution.

442
00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:12,050
~ It's still weight!
~ It's 50-50...

443
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:16,090
'As we discussed my handiwork,
a challenge arrived.'

444
00:22:16,140 --> 00:22:18,290
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

445
00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:21,610
"The Stig will now drive each
of your cars around the track,

446
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:26,730
"which, to make it more real, has
been fitted with three speed humps.

447
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,890
"You will be in the
back with a patient

448
00:22:28,940 --> 00:22:32,650
"and, in the course of one lap, you
will put his intestines back in,

449
00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:35,130
"insert a drip, and fit a catheter.

450
00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:36,890
"Points will be awarded for speed

451
00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:40,410
"and how much of the medical
work you complete successfully."

452
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,730
What? Is a catheter a thing
that goes up your old chap?

453
00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:46,530
~ Yes! ~ Up it?
~ Yes. ~ Not on it?
~ No.

454
00:22:46,580 --> 00:22:49,050
JEREMY LAUGHS

455
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:53,610
'Hammond elected to go first and,
once his patient had been loaded,

456
00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:57,450
'a rather bemused Stig took
his place at the wheel.'

457
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,810
~ Oh, he's not in a good way at all.
~ He?!

458
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:02,370
~ It's a girl.
~ Oh, yeah.
~ Oh, no, or is it, though?

459
00:23:02,420 --> 00:23:05,250
It's a girl from where I am.
Just have a look under there.

460
00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:07,450
~ Is that just a bit of...?
~ Agh!

461
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,890
~ There's a thing!
~ It's a ladyboy!

462
00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:11,770
Anyway, it's a medical emergency.

463
00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:13,890
Get out of the way, I've
got to get on with this.

464
00:23:13,940 --> 00:23:15,930
ENGINE REVS

465
00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:19,610
In three, two, one...

466
00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:21,490
Go!

467
00:23:21,540 --> 00:23:25,900
Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah, ugh!
The wheels were a mistake!

468
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:31,610
I'm really sorry, mate, just try
and put your guts back in the...

469
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,650
Oh... er... Agh!

470
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:35,460
TYRES SCREECH

471
00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:39,970
Airway - that's a priority!
That goes in here.

472
00:23:40,020 --> 00:23:42,210
Agh! Now he's being sick on me!

473
00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,260
I'm covered in... Agh!

474
00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:49,650
Stop vomiting, you idiot!

475
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:52,090
Agh! Oh!

476
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:55,890
This is the willy bit. You probably
can't see this on television.

477
00:23:55,940 --> 00:23:58,210
This has to go in the end.

478
00:23:58,260 --> 00:24:00,860
Ah! Now I'm covered in wee!

479
00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:04,370
Agh, agh, ah!

480
00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:05,610
Oof! CRASH!

481
00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:07,290
Speed...

482
00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:08,900
Ah! Agh!

483
00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:14,730
~ That would be deeply
uncomfortable for Hammond.
~ I would've thought so.

484
00:24:14,780 --> 00:24:17,130
ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH

485
00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:19,920
How do I get the blood
out of the bag?

486
00:24:22,380 --> 00:24:24,890
~ I'm tempted to move back.
~ Do you know? I agree.

487
00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:26,130
~ Yeah.
~ Cos it is Das Stig!

488
00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:27,570
Agh!

489
00:24:27,620 --> 00:24:28,850
Stig!

490
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:30,690
~ TYRES SCREECH
~ Whoa!

491
00:24:30,740 --> 00:24:32,290
There he is.

492
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:34,570
Across the line!

493
00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:37,490
'The 2 minutes 17 lap
had taken its toll

494
00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:41,050
'on both the Chevy's
brakes and Dr Hammond.'

495
00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:45,010
Holy Moley! Look at the
state of him. What's that?

496
00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:48,010
~ Being an ambulance man is a tough job.
~ What is that?!

497
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:50,860
~ It's...it's wee.
~ Is it yours?
~ No.

498
00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:55,450
'Next, it was the turn of
Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.'

499
00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:58,170
Three, two, one, go!

500
00:24:58,220 --> 00:25:00,860
SLOW WHIRRING

501
00:25:03,060 --> 00:25:06,370
~ Should I start the stopwatch now?
~ Well, I mean, this is part of the...

502
00:25:06,420 --> 00:25:08,170
Well, it's taking time.

503
00:25:08,220 --> 00:25:10,810
HIGH-PITCHED WHINING

504
00:25:10,860 --> 00:25:13,330
~ Is his seat fastened down?
~ Yeah.

505
00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:16,580
What he's done is take a length
of one of those stairlifts.

506
00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,450
CRASH!

507
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:24,130
THEY LAUGH

508
00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:26,450
I think you may have
overdone it slightly

509
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,170
on closing the tailgate, Stig.

510
00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,050
You get in and we'll fasten you in.

511
00:25:30,100 --> 00:25:32,250
Your lap time is going
to be shocking, frankly.

512
00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:34,690
~ You haven't started the stopwatch?
~ Yeah.
~ Course we have!

513
00:25:34,740 --> 00:25:39,410
~ I haven't set off yet!
~ You DID set off!
~ Well, it's your call, isn't it?

514
00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:40,770
Hurry up!

515
00:25:40,820 --> 00:25:41,960
Go!

516
00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:45,570
~ He's gone!
~ He's gone now.

517
00:25:45,620 --> 00:25:48,850
~ 9 minutes 30 to get to there.
~ 9.30!
~ That's not brilliant.

518
00:25:48,900 --> 00:25:52,650
Can you hear me, man, woman? No?
Right, breathing? Possibly not.

519
00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:54,170
Putting...

520
00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:58,460
'The hearse-bulance coped
brilliantly with the corners.'

521
00:25:59,540 --> 00:26:01,210
That's his guts back in.

522
00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:03,330
'But less well on the speed humps.'

523
00:26:03,380 --> 00:26:06,610
CRUNCHING

524
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:08,370
SCRAPING

525
00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:09,700
Ow!

526
00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:12,900
Keep going!

527
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,210
He's going to make it!

528
00:26:17,260 --> 00:26:19,530
TYRES SCREECH Here he comes.

529
00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:24,690
~ Hammond, run for your life!
~ I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance!

530
00:26:24,740 --> 00:26:26,480
Across the line!

531
00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:30,410
'James wasn't best pleased
with his lap time.'

532
00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:34,090
~ 12 minutes and 28 seconds!
~ Oh, get lost!
~ It was!
~ It was.

533
00:26:34,140 --> 00:26:37,090
It's the slowest lap
in Top Gear's history.

534
00:26:37,140 --> 00:26:39,570
'Finally, it was the
turn of the Porsche.

535
00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:41,610
'And immediately, there
was a problem.'

536
00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:43,020
Ah!

537
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:46,570
~ Good.
~ He's kicked the patient.

538
00:26:46,620 --> 00:26:49,490
~ Um...
~ RICHARD CACKLES

539
00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:50,850
Shut up!

540
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:54,210
'Eventually, though, the
ape was in position.'

541
00:26:54,260 --> 00:26:55,860
Begin!

542
00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:01,130
Is he focusing on
getting the drip in?

543
00:27:01,180 --> 00:27:03,250
Or is he focusing on...?

544
00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:08,410
♪ Trust in me, trust in me... ♪

545
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,010
~ TYRES SCREECH
~ Oh...!

546
00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:12,660
Holy mother of God!

547
00:27:17,780 --> 00:27:20,260
Ow! It hurts so much!

548
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:25,210
You maniac!

549
00:27:25,260 --> 00:27:27,010
TYRES SCREECH

550
00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:29,140
Ow! Stupid man!

551
00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:33,730
Oh, God, what happens when
I go over a speed bump?!

552
00:27:33,780 --> 00:27:35,690
I don't like this!

553
00:27:35,740 --> 00:27:37,890
HE GROANS

554
00:27:37,940 --> 00:27:39,940
~ TYRES SCREECH
~ Ooh...!

555
00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:45,050
Here he comes.

556
00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:48,060
~ I'm in a scene from Carrie!
~ TYRES SCREECH

557
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:51,860
I want Josh back from Casualty!

558
00:27:52,820 --> 00:27:54,020
God!

559
00:27:56,620 --> 00:27:58,650
And across the line!

560
00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:00,170
Oh?!

561
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:02,090
Oh, dear!

562
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:05,810
'And then, to complete
my humiliation...'

563
00:28:05,860 --> 00:28:07,890
2... 24.

564
00:28:07,940 --> 00:28:11,250
~ Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...?
~ Yeah!

565
00:28:11,300 --> 00:28:14,490
~ You were 2.12 or something, weren't you?
~ Yep.

566
00:28:14,540 --> 00:28:17,250
~ Did he slow down at all for the speed humps?
~ Nope.

567
00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,690
That's why we got air.

568
00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:24,130
~ Right, that's my drawback.
~ Well, you can't... I mean, it's a Porsche!

569
00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:26,650
You can't hit the sp... It
hasn't got the clearance!

570
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:30,650
~ He ripped his bumper off.
~ Speed bumps! 600,000 people a year

571
00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:33,210
are killed in the back of
ambulances by speed humps.

572
00:28:33,260 --> 00:28:36,490
~ What you're doing is making that up.
~ Yes, but making a point as well.

573
00:28:36,540 --> 00:28:39,330
~ I'm making it up to make a point.
~ If it's one or more, it's an issue.

574
00:28:39,380 --> 00:28:41,650
~ Agreed!
~ Go over it too fast, patient dies.
~ Yeah?

575
00:28:41,700 --> 00:28:43,210
Slow down to make it comfortable,

576
00:28:43,260 --> 00:28:46,010
patient dies cos they don't
reach the hospital in time.

577
00:28:46,060 --> 00:28:49,490
Until this Government gets rid
of every single speed hump,

578
00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:51,660
we're all going to die.

579
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:56,170
'For our next test, we had
to see which of our cars

580
00:28:56,220 --> 00:28:59,410
'had the fastest patient
off-loading system.'

581
00:28:59,460 --> 00:29:04,650
As I approach the A & E department,
I open the boot using electricity.

582
00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:09,090
I then apply the handbrake,
hydraulic, the car swings round,

583
00:29:09,140 --> 00:29:13,810
centrifugal force causes the patient
to leave the car, the ambulance,

584
00:29:13,860 --> 00:29:18,650
on his stretcher, the wheels deploy,
and he rolls into the hospital.

585
00:29:18,700 --> 00:29:21,250
I am then pointing
in the right direction

586
00:29:21,300 --> 00:29:24,100
to go back out and
get another patient.

587
00:29:25,340 --> 00:29:28,250
Somewhere, there's a world
in which that will work.

588
00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:33,340
LOUDSPEAKER: Ram-bulance 1 coming
in hot. Delivery system engaged!

589
00:29:34,380 --> 00:29:36,180
Behold my genius.

590
00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:44,810
~ Not an enormous success.
~ No, I could see where
the thinking was going...

591
00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:47,570
~ Yeah.
~ .. but the legs didn't deploy
and the patient's dead.

592
00:29:47,620 --> 00:29:51,810
~ Goal-line technology, that is in.
~ I'm going to give it a no,

593
00:29:51,860 --> 00:29:55,890
~ on the basis that he isn't IN the hospital.
~ He is!
~ He's not!
~ He is!

594
00:29:55,940 --> 00:29:57,850
~ The hos...
~ Even his foot's not in, he's not in.

595
00:29:57,900 --> 00:30:00,730
Nobody will look at it and say, "Ooh,
that poor man's in hospital."

596
00:30:00,780 --> 00:30:04,210
They'll say, "That poor man's
been dumped OUTSIDE a hospital."

597
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:06,130
'It was then my turn.'

598
00:30:06,180 --> 00:30:07,290
Swing it round.

599
00:30:07,340 --> 00:30:08,770
SATISFIED SIGH

600
00:30:08,820 --> 00:30:09,970
What is he doing?!

601
00:30:10,020 --> 00:30:12,410
Similar sort of system,
only I'm using a cannon.

602
00:30:12,460 --> 00:30:14,660
And, er, ready? Good, fire!

603
00:30:17,340 --> 00:30:19,880
Pretty quick, I think you'll agree.

604
00:30:21,020 --> 00:30:24,930
~ What?
~ What the hell was that?!
~ I'm not entirely certain

605
00:30:24,980 --> 00:30:28,170
~ you've delivered the
patient to the hospital.
~ Well, I have!

606
00:30:28,220 --> 00:30:32,010
Or that the patient is still...
What's the word I'm looking for?

607
00:30:32,060 --> 00:30:34,940
~ .. alive!
~ That's the one.
~ Ooh! Oh, dear!

608
00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:37,690
It was an air cannon.

609
00:30:37,740 --> 00:30:40,410
Oh, and the door didn't
open properly.

610
00:30:40,460 --> 00:30:43,210
'Given how low the
bar had been set...'

611
00:30:43,260 --> 00:30:44,650
I think it was a good idea.

612
00:30:44,700 --> 00:30:47,010
'.. I was confident
that I'd win this.'

613
00:30:47,060 --> 00:30:49,570
SLOW REVVING

614
00:30:49,620 --> 00:30:53,210
~ James, what exactly are we looking at?
~ This is a robot lawnmower.

615
00:30:53,260 --> 00:30:55,290
~ Is it?
~ I've laid out pieces of string.

616
00:30:55,340 --> 00:31:00,610
It knows where those are, so it mows
only inside this big rectangle.

617
00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:04,010
So then I thought, you know the
really big farm lawnmowers?

618
00:31:04,060 --> 00:31:08,170
~ You mean combines?
~ Yeah, whatever, those work off satnav.

619
00:31:08,220 --> 00:31:11,490
The satnav knows where it is, and
that's the technology I've used.

620
00:31:11,540 --> 00:31:16,460
'We watched eagerly as James lined
up to demonstrate his invention.'

621
00:31:17,780 --> 00:31:20,260
~ SLOW WHIRRING
~ Oh, God!

622
00:31:25,900 --> 00:31:28,010
WHIRRING CONTINUES

623
00:31:28,060 --> 00:31:31,220
WHIRRING STARTS AND STOPS

624
00:31:37,180 --> 00:31:38,250
Right.

625
00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:41,610
Now all I do is, using my special
programmer, I have the coordinates

626
00:31:41,660 --> 00:31:44,690
for the operating theatre at
this hospital already entered.

627
00:31:44,740 --> 00:31:47,170
MACHINE BEEPS AND BUZZES

628
00:31:47,220 --> 00:31:48,700
Now watch.

629
00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:55,770
~ Stand clear.
~ What? So you uploaded

630
00:31:55,820 --> 00:32:00,490
the schematics to your PDA of
the hospital, like Jack Bauer?

631
00:32:00,540 --> 00:32:02,650
~ BEEPING
~ What does that mean?

632
00:32:02,700 --> 00:32:04,730
Arrived at the operating theatre.

633
00:32:04,780 --> 00:32:06,250
~ Does it?
~ Yes.

634
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:10,170
~ In some ways, I'm very impressed
with what he's done.
~ Yeah.

635
00:32:10,220 --> 00:32:14,210
~ But in one colossal way...
~ WHEELS RATTLE

636
00:32:14,260 --> 00:32:17,450
.. I'm not sure that
it's worked at all.

637
00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:20,370
I know what that way is,
and I think you're right.

638
00:32:20,420 --> 00:32:23,170
It is a disadvantage of the
system. It's a problem.

639
00:32:23,220 --> 00:32:25,410
James, would you like to
know what the massive...

640
00:32:25,460 --> 00:32:29,160
~ What?
~ If you insist there's
something wrong with it...

641
00:32:30,060 --> 00:32:33,770
Yeah. Maybe your patient
changed his mind(!)

642
00:32:33,820 --> 00:32:36,460
CHEERING

643
00:32:38,580 --> 00:32:41,570
Thank you so much, everybody.
Now, we'll pick that up...

644
00:32:41,620 --> 00:32:43,130
We'll pick that up later on.

645
00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:47,650
Uh, but now, it is time to put a
Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

646
00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:51,810
My guest tonight is a Formula One
driver who is always smiling.

647
00:32:51,860 --> 00:32:54,650
But he says that, behind
the cuddly exterior,

648
00:32:54,700 --> 00:32:57,010
he's actually a bit
of a honey badger.

649
00:32:57,060 --> 00:32:58,410
~ LAUGHTER
~ A ferocious animal

650
00:32:58,460 --> 00:33:00,930
that fights its opponents
by going for their...

651
00:33:00,980 --> 00:33:02,530
crotch areas.

652
00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:04,890
~ LAUGHTER
~ Er... so, ladies and gentlemen,

653
00:33:04,940 --> 00:33:09,450
please put your hands over your
genitals for Daniel Ricciardo!

654
00:33:09,500 --> 00:33:11,130
CHEERING

655
00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:12,610
Hey!

656
00:33:12,660 --> 00:33:14,210
WHISTLING

657
00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:17,340
~ G'day.
~ How are you?
~ I'm all right.

658
00:33:18,820 --> 00:33:20,970
Yes!

659
00:33:21,020 --> 00:33:23,130
People love it when
an F1 driver comes.

660
00:33:23,180 --> 00:33:25,130
HE SIGHS

661
00:33:25,180 --> 00:33:28,570
It was weird, we were in Australia
last week in the Northern Territory,

662
00:33:28,620 --> 00:33:31,610
saw no Australians at all,
and now there's one here!

663
00:33:31,660 --> 00:33:34,130
~ Yeah, I know.
~ But then, you're ALL over here, actually,

664
00:33:34,180 --> 00:33:35,650
if we're honest, aren't you?

665
00:33:35,700 --> 00:33:37,690
~ LAUGHTER
~ Well, not by choice.

666
00:33:37,740 --> 00:33:41,050
LAUGHTER AND GASPS, SOME BOOING

667
00:33:41,100 --> 00:33:44,410
I can feel the warmth
you're generating now(!)

668
00:33:44,460 --> 00:33:46,610
No, um, what I wanted to do is,

669
00:33:46,660 --> 00:33:50,290
obviously, when you started at
Red Bull last year, did you think,

670
00:33:50,340 --> 00:33:51,690
and I know a lot of people did,

671
00:33:51,740 --> 00:33:54,410
that you'd be the cheerful
Aussie playing second fiddle

672
00:33:54,460 --> 00:33:56,970
to the four-times world
champion Sebastian Vettel?

673
00:33:57,020 --> 00:33:58,370
~ No.
~ You didn't?
~ LAUGHTER

674
00:33:58,420 --> 00:34:02,170
So you actually thought, from the
get-go, "I'm going to have him"?

675
00:34:02,220 --> 00:34:05,450
I believed I'd have
him. But, er... yeah.

676
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:08,290
Until I got on track, and had
everything like for like,

677
00:34:08,340 --> 00:34:10,970
I wasn't obviously sure how it
would go, but coming into it,

678
00:34:11,020 --> 00:34:14,490
I didn't expect to be, you know,
the guy following him every weekend.

679
00:34:14,540 --> 00:34:17,250
You know, I obviously came
in with some self belief

680
00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:21,530
and then I think that sort of showed
and then confidence grew after that.

681
00:34:21,580 --> 00:34:25,170
There were 19 races last year
and you beat him in how many?

682
00:34:25,220 --> 00:34:26,850
~ I don't know, er...
~ I do.

683
00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:28,730
How many was it?

684
00:34:28,780 --> 00:34:32,370
~ 14 of them.
~ 14?
~ Don't pretend you didn't know!

685
00:34:32,420 --> 00:34:34,730
No, I-I didn't really, actually.

686
00:34:34,780 --> 00:34:37,210
I knew it was more, like
I knew I had more than him.

687
00:34:37,260 --> 00:34:38,970
You out-qualified him in...

688
00:34:39,020 --> 00:34:41,970
~ You going to pretend you
don't know that as well?
~ Wait, this one's...

689
00:34:42,020 --> 00:34:43,530
12-7?

690
00:34:43,580 --> 00:34:47,410
~ 11-8!
~ 11-8.
~ But you really... you're
not keeping that in your head?

691
00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:51,530
I would be! I'd ring him up
every morning and go, "11-8!"

692
00:34:51,580 --> 00:34:52,810
He changed his number!

693
00:34:52,860 --> 00:34:54,290
Has he?

694
00:34:54,340 --> 00:34:57,410
I think one of the reasons we
were all surprised, I think,

695
00:34:57,460 --> 00:35:00,330
when you first started and
were immediately brilliant

696
00:35:00,380 --> 00:35:03,650
in the Red Bull, is that you just
don't look particularly ruthless.

697
00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:05,330
I mean, you're always smiling.

698
00:35:05,380 --> 00:35:08,010
The photographs we've been...
I've looked through to see

699
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:10,370
if I could find one of
you not smiling, ever.

700
00:35:10,420 --> 00:35:14,010
Have a look at this, OK, because
this is winning in Canada.

701
00:35:14,060 --> 00:35:16,210
~ That's a huge beam, yes?
~ Yeah.

702
00:35:16,260 --> 00:35:19,770
And this is after you've been
disqualified in Australia.

703
00:35:19,820 --> 00:35:23,410
And then we've got another
photograph of you having some

704
00:35:23,460 --> 00:35:26,770
~ kind of blood test with
a horrible injection.
~ Oh, yeah!
~ Here we are.

705
00:35:26,820 --> 00:35:28,090
Still!

706
00:35:28,140 --> 00:35:31,010
You know what, it looks like a smile,
but that's pain right there.

707
00:35:31,060 --> 00:35:34,290
~ Is it?
~ That's... Yeah!
~ So you smile when you're in agony?

708
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:38,050
Maybe if we see the lap later,
there might be some, er, er...

709
00:35:38,100 --> 00:35:41,250
some different emotions, cos it was
an open-face helmet in the Suzuki...

710
00:35:41,300 --> 00:35:44,290
We'll see if we can catch a moment
when you're not smiling.

711
00:35:44,340 --> 00:35:47,730
~ Yeah.
~ But that is later on. Now,
obviously, testing is happening.

712
00:35:47,780 --> 00:35:49,570
~ Now, in fact...
~ Yeah.
~ .. as we speak.

713
00:35:49,620 --> 00:35:51,810
~ Yeah.
~ In fact, how come you're not there?

714
00:35:51,860 --> 00:35:54,770
~ Top Gear's way more important.
~ Really?
~ Yeah.
~ Oh, we're honoured!

715
00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:57,370
~ I hate testing. I can't stand it.
~ Really?

716
00:35:57,420 --> 00:36:00,090
~ Uh, no, I wouldn't say I hate it, but...
~ Oh, no, you see.

717
00:36:00,140 --> 00:36:02,770
The PR machine's come
off the rails now!

718
00:36:02,820 --> 00:36:05,890
How's it going? Cos we've got some
Formula One fans here, inevitably,

719
00:36:05,940 --> 00:36:07,690
and they'll want to
know. How's it going?

720
00:36:07,740 --> 00:36:11,050
~ Are you going to be as fast as the Mercs?
~ Um, it's still very early.

721
00:36:11,100 --> 00:36:13,810
I mean, we are still finding our way.

722
00:36:13,860 --> 00:36:16,930
But, er, we've still got eight
more days in Barcelona after this.

723
00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:20,130
~ So, come Melbourne, we'll be right.
~ Is anybody else... It's only fair.

724
00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:23,130
There's a lot of Formula One fans.
Anyone got any questions they'd like

725
00:36:23,180 --> 00:36:25,930
to ask Daniel while he's here and
we're talking about Formula One?

726
00:36:25,980 --> 00:36:28,010
MAN: What does the back
of Lewis's car look like?

727
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:29,330
LAUGHTER

728
00:36:29,380 --> 00:36:32,300
~ Can you see that?
~ LAUGHTER

729
00:36:37,340 --> 00:36:38,810
LAUGHTER

730
00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:40,490
Anyone else got another question?

731
00:36:40,540 --> 00:36:42,410
MAN: Who's better, you or Webber?

732
00:36:42,460 --> 00:36:44,460
~ DANIEL LAUGHS
~ Oh...

733
00:36:45,820 --> 00:36:48,050
I don't know.

734
00:36:48,100 --> 00:36:50,490
Actually, let's... We'll find out.

735
00:36:50,540 --> 00:36:54,010
~ I believe he's... 1.43.1, so..
~ He is on the board. Cos this is

736
00:36:54,060 --> 00:36:57,450
the only time ever when Formula
One drivers get to actually drive

737
00:36:57,500 --> 00:37:00,370
~ the same machine.
~ Same equipment, different
day, one could argue.

738
00:37:00,420 --> 00:37:02,650
~ The pressure is on, if I'm honest...
~ I know.

739
00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:04,890
~ .. today, particularly...
~ My heart rate's going up.

740
00:37:04,940 --> 00:37:07,690
Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine,
because I actually said,

741
00:37:07,740 --> 00:37:10,210
early last year, I actually
sent a tweet out

742
00:37:10,260 --> 00:37:13,370
saying I thought you were the
best driver on the F1 grid.

743
00:37:13,420 --> 00:37:15,160
Knuckles. Thanks.

744
00:37:18,580 --> 00:37:20,770
It's my way of saying thank you.

745
00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:24,010
Oh, I see, it's thank you.
I thought you'd hit me. Um...

746
00:37:24,060 --> 00:37:26,890
And people who know what they're
talking about as well said it.

747
00:37:26,940 --> 00:37:31,370
Alonso said... What did he call you?
He said you were "unbelievable".

748
00:37:31,420 --> 00:37:34,730
You know, so we have had this
sort of, "How good is Daniel?"

749
00:37:34,780 --> 00:37:36,370
And this is your opportunity to come

750
00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:39,330
and actually show everybody, in
the same car they've all driven.

751
00:37:39,380 --> 00:37:41,650
And the weather today was...

752
00:37:41,700 --> 00:37:45,170
~ It was good.
~ Yeah!
~ Like, that's a thing - I don't have excuses!

753
00:37:45,220 --> 00:37:47,210
~ LAUGHTER
~ No, it was cold and bright

754
00:37:47,260 --> 00:37:49,730
and about as perfect as
it could be for a car.

755
00:37:49,780 --> 00:37:52,610
So who would like to see
what is, let's be honest,

756
00:37:52,660 --> 00:37:54,330
an extremely important lap?

757
00:37:54,380 --> 00:37:55,930
ALL: Yes!

758
00:37:55,980 --> 00:37:57,610
Play the tape, let's have a look.

759
00:37:57,660 --> 00:37:59,450
Come on, let's do this!

760
00:37:59,500 --> 00:38:03,010
Obviously, you're back in the
old car, the Suzuki Liana.

761
00:38:03,060 --> 00:38:04,650
Nice to see it back.

762
00:38:04,700 --> 00:38:06,410
Race face on! Grr!

763
00:38:06,460 --> 00:38:09,690
~ STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
~ That is! It's like a honey badger!

764
00:38:09,740 --> 00:38:12,930
I'm guessing, will you go...? No,
weirdly, you're not on the wide line

765
00:38:12,980 --> 00:38:15,930
~ taken by most of the Formula One drivers.
~ Taking it tight.

766
00:38:15,980 --> 00:38:17,650
~ TYRES SCREECH
~ Taking it tight.
~ You are.

767
00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:19,530
Just saving distance.

768
00:38:19,580 --> 00:38:20,890
Not there, you're not.

769
00:38:20,940 --> 00:38:23,210
Chicks'll go crazy for this!

770
00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:25,210
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

771
00:38:25,260 --> 00:38:27,770
~ OK, this is it.
~ Bit of understeer.

772
00:38:27,820 --> 00:38:30,850
~ Little bit, but managed nicely.
~ Kept it tight!

773
00:38:30,900 --> 00:38:33,850
~ Come on! Let's go!
~ AUDIENCE LAUGHS

774
00:38:33,900 --> 00:38:37,010
~ Whoa! All sorts of hand gestures.
~ Getting racy!

775
00:38:37,060 --> 00:38:39,850
~ Hammerhead.
~ Keeping it in the lines, ooh...

776
00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:43,250
~ Oh!
~ Yeah, now get it all lined
up ready for a smooth, quick...

777
00:38:43,300 --> 00:38:47,250
Why am I telling you what you're
doing? You know what you're doing!

778
00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:49,090
Come on!

779
00:38:49,140 --> 00:38:51,330
~ Grr.
~ AUDIENCE LAUGHS

780
00:38:51,380 --> 00:38:54,170
Are you suggesting this
isn't fast enough?

781
00:38:54,220 --> 00:38:56,930
~ Look at it! Using the red and whites.
~ This line's good.

782
00:38:56,980 --> 00:38:58,930
This is... this is racy.

783
00:38:58,980 --> 00:39:02,570
~ Oh, that's keeping it comfy!
~ Yeah.
~ Keeping it comfy.

784
00:39:02,620 --> 00:39:05,570
~ Ooh, look at that, lift-off oversteer!
~ Yeah!

785
00:39:05,620 --> 00:39:09,170
Something our other guests should
use. Lift-off oversteering there.

786
00:39:09,220 --> 00:39:13,020
~ Ooh, that was...
~ Then just fling it in and
there we are across the line!

787
00:39:20,060 --> 00:39:22,660
Ah! Ha-ha, ha-ha!

788
00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:27,650
~ I'm actually nervous.
~ Go on, then, where do you think you've come?

789
00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:32,650
These are effectively drive times,
Jenson, 144. 144, 144, 144, so

790
00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:37,930
we're up to Lewis, then came along,
on his second attempt, and did...

791
00:39:37,980 --> 00:39:40,970
let's be honest, a fairly
unbeatable 142.9.

792
00:39:41,020 --> 00:39:43,090
~ Whoa.
~ Cos that's... What is he? Quicker...

793
00:39:43,140 --> 00:39:46,290
~ Mark's second, so he's 0.2 seconds off.
~ The anticipation's killing me.

794
00:39:46,340 --> 00:39:48,330
And then, we're right
down to Seb at 144.

795
00:39:48,380 --> 00:39:50,010
LAUGHTER

796
00:39:50,060 --> 00:39:52,370
Should I just go lower or...?

797
00:39:52,420 --> 00:39:56,130
I don't know, I... The gap between
Webber and Vettel scares me.

798
00:39:56,180 --> 00:39:57,850
Like that's a big gap,
so I'm wondering

799
00:39:57,900 --> 00:40:00,490
~ if they had good track conditions.
~ That's 0.9 of a second.

800
00:40:00,540 --> 00:40:03,690
~ Did I have that?
~ A load of space to get
you and your smile in there.

801
00:40:03,740 --> 00:40:05,330
LAUGHTER

802
00:40:05,380 --> 00:40:06,530
Just do it slowly!

803
00:40:06,580 --> 00:40:08,450
Lewis, 142.9...

804
00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:11,090
Do it slow, like one
number by one number.

805
00:40:11,140 --> 00:40:14,450
OK, I don't want... If I
lost, I want to lose slowly.

806
00:40:14,500 --> 00:40:16,860
LAUGHTER

807
00:40:18,820 --> 00:40:20,810
Start with a one at least.

808
00:40:20,860 --> 00:40:23,410
~ One...
~ Come on!

809
00:40:23,460 --> 00:40:24,850
..50...

810
00:40:24,900 --> 00:40:26,370
Oh, no, come on.

811
00:40:26,420 --> 00:40:28,620
I'm just teasing you.

812
00:40:29,820 --> 00:40:31,580
APPLAUSE

813
00:40:35,260 --> 00:40:38,850
Sorry, I'm letting you down
gently, is what I'm doing.

814
00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:42,050
~ One...
~ Ugh, do it slow, do it slow.

815
00:40:42,100 --> 00:40:44,740
~ .. forty...
~ Ugh... Please say two.

816
00:40:46,540 --> 00:40:48,730
~ Come on.
~ .. two.
~ Yeah!

817
00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:50,380
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

818
00:40:52,780 --> 00:40:56,010
My hair's standing on end,
cos it's another two.

819
00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:59,210
I mean, seriously, a 142.2.

820
00:40:59,260 --> 00:41:01,260
CHEERING AND WHISTLING

821
00:41:02,820 --> 00:41:05,570
Staggering, absolutely staggering.

822
00:41:05,620 --> 00:41:08,420
How'd you do that?
How did you do that?

823
00:41:12,100 --> 00:41:14,500
CHEERING INTENSIFIES

824
00:41:15,780 --> 00:41:17,450
DANIEL GIGGLES

825
00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:21,090
That's the fastest anybody's
ever gone round our track.

826
00:41:21,140 --> 00:41:22,690
~ HE EXHALES
~ I feel better.

827
00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:25,410
In any of our reasonably priced cars.

828
00:41:27,820 --> 00:41:29,650
It'll be fun next year

829
00:41:29,700 --> 00:41:32,610
when you get back on the
circuit with that time.

830
00:41:32,660 --> 00:41:34,690
That is genuinely remarkable.

831
00:41:34,740 --> 00:41:38,370
I'm staggered because I...
Lewis has hung himself.

832
00:41:38,420 --> 00:41:42,250
Oh, and by the way, matey
boy, you want to...?

833
00:41:42,300 --> 00:41:43,940
LAUGHTER

834
00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:47,850
In the same car, it turns out that

835
00:41:47,900 --> 00:41:51,610
the Aussie has just beaten the Brit,
it's the Ashes all over again.

836
00:41:51,660 --> 00:41:54,730
This is how I felt after Canada.
I didn't know what to say.

837
00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:57,690
So we've actually made a man happier
than winning a grand prix.

838
00:41:57,740 --> 00:42:01,580
Ladies and gentlemen, he's
done it! Daniel Ricciardo!

839
00:42:03,700 --> 00:42:06,780
Just... I'm really, that's...
I never thought...

840
00:42:08,740 --> 00:42:11,330
You know that wasn't
a fluke, don't you?

841
00:42:11,380 --> 00:42:15,210
You know he did three laps exactly
the same time? Three times.

842
00:42:15,260 --> 00:42:18,170
~ That's why he's... you know.
~ Yeah, yeah.

843
00:42:18,220 --> 00:42:22,250
Now, tonight, we have made three
ambulances, and to be honest,

844
00:42:22,300 --> 00:42:25,650
there have been a few niggles
and minor teething troubles.

845
00:42:25,700 --> 00:42:27,850
Yeah. For example, not one of them

846
00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:31,010
has yet delivered a patient
to a hospital alive.

847
00:42:31,060 --> 00:42:32,890
~ LAUGHTER
~ No. Nevertheless,

848
00:42:32,940 --> 00:42:34,650
the producer said we had to go off

849
00:42:34,700 --> 00:42:38,290
and build a Thunderbirds-style
International Rescue facility

850
00:42:38,340 --> 00:42:42,290
where we would be on hand with
our ambulances 24 hours a day,

851
00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:45,340
ready to respond at
a moment's notice.

852
00:42:48,020 --> 00:42:49,730
This is it.

853
00:42:49,780 --> 00:42:51,570
And inside the command module,

854
00:42:51,620 --> 00:42:54,050
we were waiting for
our first emergency.

855
00:42:54,100 --> 00:42:56,730
~ GAME BUZZES
~ Have you heard about this

856
00:42:56,780 --> 00:43:00,410
Jewish volunteer ambulance
service called Hatzolah?

857
00:43:00,460 --> 00:43:02,050
No. JAMES LAUGHS

858
00:43:02,100 --> 00:43:05,850
No, honestly, I'm not joking, it's
unbelievable. The NHS response time

859
00:43:05,900 --> 00:43:10,250
in Britain for a life-threatening
situation is eight minutes.

860
00:43:10,300 --> 00:43:13,850
They get there in New York
- in New York, which is busy -

861
00:43:13,900 --> 00:43:15,290
in four minutes.

862
00:43:15,340 --> 00:43:17,170
~ That's from the call?
~ That's from the call.

863
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:18,930
Four minutes later, they're there.

864
00:43:18,980 --> 00:43:22,090
There's 1,000 of them in New York,
OK, and they're normal people,

865
00:43:22,140 --> 00:43:24,610
they're builders, teachers,
whatever - they're trained.

866
00:43:24,660 --> 00:43:27,290
And they keep with them in
their cars, at all times,

867
00:43:27,340 --> 00:43:30,610
defibrillators, medicine
- all the things you need.

868
00:43:30,660 --> 00:43:33,770
It's a brilliant idea. And
we should be aiming for

869
00:43:33,820 --> 00:43:35,370
these response times.

870
00:43:35,420 --> 00:43:38,890
~ It takes me two minutes
to shut the back door!
~ He has a point.

871
00:43:38,940 --> 00:43:40,610
ALARM BLARES

872
00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:43,010
Oh, gentlemen, incoming message.

873
00:43:43,060 --> 00:43:45,380
What a remarkable printer.

874
00:43:46,820 --> 00:43:49,850
"A meteorite has landed
on the town of Theale.

875
00:43:49,900 --> 00:43:51,210
"There are many casualties.

876
00:43:51,260 --> 00:43:53,650
"Points will be awarded
for whichever one of you

877
00:43:53,700 --> 00:43:57,850
"gets one of those casualties to
the hospital in the quickest time."

878
00:43:57,900 --> 00:44:02,650
This is it. International Rescue has
been summoned, Thunderbirds are go!

879
00:44:02,700 --> 00:44:05,940
THUNDERBIRDS THEME TUNE

880
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:13,074
Shop this show's fashion on LookLive.com

881
00:44:39,460 --> 00:44:41,740
ENGINE ROARS

882
00:44:46,060 --> 00:44:48,660
I'm power-sliding in an ambulance!

883
00:44:59,940 --> 00:45:01,680
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

884
00:45:04,580 --> 00:45:06,250
Coming through.

885
00:45:07,660 --> 00:45:09,050
Yeah!

886
00:45:09,100 --> 00:45:11,460
Dig down, Cosworth power.

887
00:45:13,500 --> 00:45:16,410
'Naturally, we soon
encountered heavy traffic,

888
00:45:16,460 --> 00:45:18,650
'but we were ready for that.'

889
00:45:18,700 --> 00:45:20,370
Engaging siren.

890
00:45:21,820 --> 00:45:24,730
LOUDSPEAKER: ♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive... ♪

891
00:45:24,780 --> 00:45:26,420
Come on, go!

892
00:45:27,740 --> 00:45:29,930
Can you not see I'm an ambulance?

893
00:45:29,980 --> 00:45:32,410
♪.. Ali-i-ive... ♪

894
00:45:32,460 --> 00:45:36,250
Yeah, Stayin' Alive, it's
reassuring for the patient...

895
00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:39,860
but it doesn't really say
"siren" to other road users.

896
00:45:41,220 --> 00:45:45,610
Get out of the way, you
normal ambulance! Come on!

897
00:45:45,660 --> 00:45:48,570
'My siren, like my ambulance,

898
00:45:48,620 --> 00:45:51,850
'was designed to scare
people out of the way.'

899
00:45:51,900 --> 00:45:55,810
KLAXON BLARES

900
00:45:55,860 --> 00:45:58,610
'Annoyingly, though,
it didn't really work.'

901
00:45:58,660 --> 00:46:00,890
GLASS SMASHES

902
00:46:00,940 --> 00:46:02,490
KLAXON CONTINUES

903
00:46:02,540 --> 00:46:05,300
AIR-RAID SIREN

904
00:46:08,860 --> 00:46:11,130
He's not scared at all.

905
00:46:11,180 --> 00:46:14,770
'If Hammond's siren wasn't working,
James's didn't have a prayer.'

906
00:46:14,820 --> 00:46:17,770
LOUDSPEAKER: I know it's
slightly annoying,

907
00:46:17,820 --> 00:46:20,330
but could you be an
awfully good sport

908
00:46:20,380 --> 00:46:23,940
and move out of the way of
the ambulance? Thank you.

909
00:46:25,820 --> 00:46:29,530
'When we arrived in Theale,
we split up to look

910
00:46:29,580 --> 00:46:31,730
'for the meteorite crash site.'

911
00:46:31,780 --> 00:46:34,130
Oh, God, the place is a mess!

912
00:46:34,180 --> 00:46:36,890
Look at the damn... Oh,
no, this isn't the site,

913
00:46:36,940 --> 00:46:39,280
is it? this is just... Theale.

914
00:46:39,940 --> 00:46:41,210
TYRES SCREECH

915
00:46:41,260 --> 00:46:45,170
We've got everything we need.
Blood, oxygen, Nurofen.

916
00:46:45,220 --> 00:46:47,530
TYRES SCREECH

917
00:46:47,580 --> 00:46:51,290
Hydraulic handbrake, very
important in a ram-bulance.

918
00:46:51,340 --> 00:46:54,490
The Hatzolah ambulance service
will be watching this

919
00:46:54,540 --> 00:46:57,700
with their mouths... agog!

920
00:46:59,340 --> 00:47:04,220
Four minutes call-out time, Hatzolah
are the people to beat.

921
00:47:10,260 --> 00:47:11,930
TYRES SCREECH

922
00:47:11,980 --> 00:47:13,980
Yeah, temporarily lost.

923
00:47:14,620 --> 00:47:18,540
Has anybody seen a meteorite?
I mean, it can't be...

924
00:47:20,500 --> 00:47:25,090
I can't see anything that's
been damaged by a meteorite.

925
00:47:25,140 --> 00:47:28,650
This is getting irritating!

926
00:47:28,700 --> 00:47:30,500
TYRES SCREECH

927
00:47:37,260 --> 00:47:41,130
40 minutes later, two of us arrived.

928
00:47:41,180 --> 00:47:43,980
'Relax, people, I'M here.'

929
00:47:45,020 --> 00:47:47,580
Oh, my God. Look at this.

930
00:47:51,380 --> 00:47:54,120
Yeah, we got a lot
of casualties here.

931
00:47:55,900 --> 00:47:58,380
Where is this site? Come on!

932
00:47:59,540 --> 00:48:02,210
Oh, hello, brakes are getting spongy.

933
00:48:04,580 --> 00:48:06,460
Still hot.

934
00:48:08,300 --> 00:48:11,610
~ Jeremy...
~ What?
~ This is absolutely amazing.

935
00:48:11,660 --> 00:48:14,650
It is, none of the girls
are wearing underwear.

936
00:48:14,700 --> 00:48:17,820
~ Oh, here comes Hammond.
~ About time.

937
00:48:19,060 --> 00:48:22,290
Do you just have the fire brigade
following you around...

938
00:48:22,340 --> 00:48:24,770
~ as a matter of course?
~ Oh, yeah, it does do that.

939
00:48:24,820 --> 00:48:27,890
I didn't think it was going
to be a real meteorite strike.

940
00:48:27,940 --> 00:48:31,090
~ I mean, that's...
~ No, it is.
~ .. actually happened.

941
00:48:31,140 --> 00:48:32,650
Go on, then.

942
00:48:32,700 --> 00:48:36,610
"Each of the casualties is fitted
with a timer showing how long

943
00:48:36,660 --> 00:48:38,770
"they have before they die.

944
00:48:38,820 --> 00:48:41,010
"This lets you know how long you have

945
00:48:41,060 --> 00:48:43,250
"before they must reach
the hospital. However..."

946
00:48:43,300 --> 00:48:44,850
FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLASTS

947
00:48:44,900 --> 00:48:48,290
"However, each time they
are jolted or bashed,

948
00:48:48,340 --> 00:48:51,210
"the timer will jump
forwards ten seconds."

949
00:48:51,260 --> 00:48:54,010
~ How long's on the timers?
~ Well, I don't know.

950
00:48:54,060 --> 00:48:56,690
I presume depending on
how wounded they are.

951
00:48:56,740 --> 00:48:58,210
Oh, so it'll be different.

952
00:48:58,260 --> 00:49:01,530
So we've got to choose one with
the longest amount of time.

953
00:49:01,580 --> 00:49:06,770
~ Yeah, exactly. Right.
~ The race starts in three, two, one - now!

954
00:49:06,820 --> 00:49:09,220
Right. I'm just going to get in.

955
00:49:11,500 --> 00:49:13,610
30 seconds, waste of time.

956
00:49:13,660 --> 00:49:15,930
Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry.

957
00:49:18,220 --> 00:49:20,180
BLEEP

958
00:49:21,500 --> 00:49:23,610
He's got ten minutes. I'm having him.

959
00:49:23,660 --> 00:49:27,610
Eight minutes 55. It's you, it's you.

960
00:49:27,660 --> 00:49:31,460
You're in good shape, my
man. I can look after you.

961
00:49:34,580 --> 00:49:36,170
There you go, sir.

962
00:49:36,220 --> 00:49:39,410
'With the patients
carefully loaded...'

963
00:49:39,460 --> 00:49:40,930
Get in!

964
00:49:40,980 --> 00:49:43,520
'..Richard and I were on our way.'

965
00:49:44,500 --> 00:49:47,130
♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah
Stayin' alive... ♪

966
00:49:47,180 --> 00:49:49,980
LOUD WHIRRING

967
00:49:54,620 --> 00:49:57,740
May have collected a cone
or two there, sorry.

968
00:50:03,340 --> 00:50:06,810
We've never lost a patient
from Theale on my watch,

969
00:50:06,860 --> 00:50:09,660
sure as hell not going
to lose one now!

970
00:50:10,900 --> 00:50:13,930
'The roads to the
state-of-the-art hospital
on the

971
00:50:13,980 --> 00:50:18,690
'other side of town were littered
with abandoned cars.

972
00:50:18,740 --> 00:50:22,210
'But Hammond and I had decided
to get there as fast as possible,

973
00:50:22,260 --> 00:50:26,130
'even if it meant incurring
a few ten-second penalties.'

974
00:50:26,180 --> 00:50:28,810
MONITOR BLEEPS Don't you worry, sir,

975
00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:30,860
you just hang on tight.

976
00:50:32,180 --> 00:50:35,580
Here we go. Rams deployed.

977
00:50:40,220 --> 00:50:43,250
The thing is, mate, you
get a ten-second penalty

978
00:50:43,300 --> 00:50:45,640
for every single little knock.

979
00:50:46,700 --> 00:50:49,650
So you may as well have big knocks.

980
00:50:49,700 --> 00:50:51,810
SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS

981
00:50:51,860 --> 00:50:57,330
Unsurprisingly, James had decided to
adopt a policy of no knocks at all.

982
00:50:57,380 --> 00:51:00,370
Hello, and welcome
aboard the ecnalubma.

983
00:51:00,420 --> 00:51:02,490
Your recovery is our first priority.

984
00:51:02,540 --> 00:51:05,050
We realise that you have
a choice of ambulances,

985
00:51:05,100 --> 00:51:07,500
and this is indeed the best one.

986
00:51:09,100 --> 00:51:11,050
The patient is really
annoying me now.

987
00:51:11,100 --> 00:51:12,890
TYRES SCREECH

988
00:51:12,940 --> 00:51:15,080
Oh, no, he's broken free!

989
00:51:17,460 --> 00:51:19,970
Whoa! Dukes Of Hazzard, there it is!

990
00:51:20,020 --> 00:51:21,370
MONITOR BLEEPS

991
00:51:21,420 --> 00:51:24,700
Oh, I'm sorry, that's probably
ten seconds off your life.

992
00:51:26,340 --> 00:51:28,770
Meanwhile, in the next street...

993
00:51:28,820 --> 00:51:31,530
CRUNCHING

994
00:51:31,580 --> 00:51:34,540
.. James had encountered
a Peugeot driver.

995
00:51:36,620 --> 00:51:39,530
Sorry to disturb you, gentleman
in the silver Peugeot,

996
00:51:39,580 --> 00:51:43,250
but this is an ambulance
and this is an emergency.

997
00:51:43,300 --> 00:51:46,890
It really is a matter of
great importance that you

998
00:51:46,940 --> 00:51:49,680
make way for the
ambulance, thank you.

999
00:51:57,820 --> 00:51:59,940
Move, man!

1000
00:52:05,060 --> 00:52:07,860
~ Whoops-a-daisy.
~ MONITOR BLEEPS

1001
00:52:09,780 --> 00:52:12,650
CRUNCHING AND REVVING

1002
00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:14,180
No. Oh...

1003
00:52:17,620 --> 00:52:20,210
LOUDSPEAKER: I've been reasonably
polite about this so far,

1004
00:52:20,260 --> 00:52:23,360
~ I would like you to get out of the
~ BLEEP
~ way.

1005
00:52:24,820 --> 00:52:27,250
Thanks to our exuberant driving,

1006
00:52:27,300 --> 00:52:30,290
my patient and Hammond's
had lost a lot of life.

1007
00:52:30,340 --> 00:52:33,100
So we decided to go even faster.

1008
00:52:35,380 --> 00:52:37,650
We're on our way to hospital.

1009
00:52:39,140 --> 00:52:42,370
♪.. Stayin' alive Aah,
aah, aah, aah... ♪

1010
00:52:42,420 --> 00:52:44,170
Ramming!

1011
00:52:44,220 --> 00:52:52,090
♪..Ali-i-i-i-ve... ♪

1012
00:52:52,140 --> 00:52:56,210
I think my man is suffering.
Reassuring tunes coming up.

1013
00:52:56,260 --> 00:52:59,330
~ ♪ Come on, baby
~ Don't fear the reaper

1014
00:52:59,380 --> 00:53:02,490
~ ♪ Baby, take my hand
~ Don't fear the reaper

1015
00:53:02,540 --> 00:53:05,620
♪ We'll be able to fly... ♪

1016
00:53:07,780 --> 00:53:10,930
'Following my encounter
with the infernal Peugeot,

1017
00:53:10,980 --> 00:53:13,850
'I'd also thrown caution
to the wind.'

1018
00:53:13,900 --> 00:53:17,180
Hang on, fellow, we're
making up the lost time.

1019
00:53:22,140 --> 00:53:24,170
Shortcut.

1020
00:53:24,220 --> 00:53:25,860
Watch this.

1021
00:53:26,940 --> 00:53:28,050
MONITOR BLEEPS

1022
00:53:28,100 --> 00:53:29,700
Cock.

1023
00:53:31,100 --> 00:53:33,700
~ MONITOR BLEEPS
~ Cocking Nora.

1024
00:53:38,300 --> 00:53:41,040
Well, I've lost a
few seconds in that.

1025
00:53:42,140 --> 00:53:45,650
Oh, no, I've got a Porsche
ambulance behind me.

1026
00:53:45,700 --> 00:53:47,730
Hammond, get out of my way!

1027
00:53:47,780 --> 00:53:51,300
I'm coming through
in a Porsche Turbo!

1028
00:53:53,980 --> 00:53:56,250
Brakes are definitely fading.

1029
00:54:00,380 --> 00:54:03,370
This is the trouble with the
privatised ambulance service

1030
00:54:03,420 --> 00:54:05,530
that we have created here.

1031
00:54:05,580 --> 00:54:07,780
It's a race, really.

1032
00:54:10,980 --> 00:54:13,090
Beautifully controlled...

1033
00:54:13,140 --> 00:54:14,980
Patient rested.

1034
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:20,210
Hammond, move, move, move!

1035
00:54:20,260 --> 00:54:22,450
Right, nitrous.

1036
00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:24,370
Whoa!

1037
00:54:24,420 --> 00:54:26,650
BANG Agh!

1038
00:54:26,700 --> 00:54:28,010
MONITOR BLEEPS

1039
00:54:28,060 --> 00:54:30,850
He's gone, he's gone, and
he's gone badly wrong.

1040
00:54:30,900 --> 00:54:32,940
Hammond has stuffed it!

1041
00:54:35,860 --> 00:54:39,660
Nearly there, sorry about
the noise, you'll be fine!

1042
00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:46,250
Sorry. They couldn't get
a lot done in ten seconds.

1043
00:54:46,300 --> 00:54:48,770
♪.. Don't fear the reaper... ♪

1044
00:54:48,820 --> 00:54:52,820
We're getting near the hospital
now. Stay with me, stay with me!

1045
00:54:56,020 --> 00:54:59,220
Oh, yes. First at the hospital.

1046
00:55:01,340 --> 00:55:04,340
That is a victory.

1047
00:55:12,780 --> 00:55:16,250
Damn it, May is already there!

1048
00:55:16,300 --> 00:55:19,620
But my patient is still alive, OK.

1049
00:55:20,740 --> 00:55:22,490
Ready, boot opening.

1050
00:55:22,540 --> 00:55:26,540
Patient-delivery system
engaged. Here we go!

1051
00:55:29,420 --> 00:55:31,380
Oh!

1052
00:55:35,300 --> 00:55:37,450
Mm-mm-mm-mmm!

1053
00:55:37,500 --> 00:55:42,410
I give you one alive patient,
delivered to a hospital.

1054
00:55:42,460 --> 00:55:44,290
~ Ahem.
~ Where is yours?

1055
00:55:44,340 --> 00:55:46,410
Oh, he's, um... he got better.

1056
00:55:46,460 --> 00:55:48,130
~ Did he?
~ Yeah.
~ Did he?

1057
00:55:48,180 --> 00:55:51,090
I did say, did I not, at
the beginning of this item,

1058
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:54,370
"The process of recovery begins
in the club class ambulance."

1059
00:55:54,420 --> 00:55:57,370
~ And in fact, it works.
~ James, where is he?

1060
00:55:57,420 --> 00:56:00,130
~ In the pub, I imagine.
~ He can't be in the pub,

1061
00:56:00,180 --> 00:56:03,880
he was wounded, he was dying,
got ten minutes to live!

1062
00:56:07,740 --> 00:56:09,250
ENGINE ROARS

1063
00:56:09,300 --> 00:56:10,450
Right, down here.

1064
00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:12,330
MONITOR BLEEPS This looks good.

1065
00:56:12,380 --> 00:56:14,850
Ah, wait a minute, here he comes.

1066
00:56:15,380 --> 00:56:17,690
And now - coup de grace.

1067
00:56:17,740 --> 00:56:20,250
Patient to hospital.

1068
00:56:20,300 --> 00:56:23,650
GLASS SHATTERS

1069
00:56:23,700 --> 00:56:26,140
Hammond, you blithering idiot!

1070
00:56:32,380 --> 00:56:34,410
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1071
00:56:34,460 --> 00:56:35,930
Thank you.

1072
00:56:35,980 --> 00:56:39,090
Well, there we are. Despite
Hammond's catastrophic failure

1073
00:56:39,140 --> 00:56:40,410
at the end there,

1074
00:56:40,460 --> 00:56:44,090
I think there were a number of very
important points made in that film.

1075
00:56:44,140 --> 00:56:47,130
But now we must work out
which of our ambulances

1076
00:56:47,180 --> 00:56:51,290
~ was the best.
~ Absolutely, and over here
we have the scoreboard.

1077
00:56:51,340 --> 00:56:54,170
And we start with the drag race.
Now, Jeremy, you won that.

1078
00:56:54,220 --> 00:56:59,330
~ I did.
~ So you get 10 points. Uh,
I came second, I get 5.

1079
00:56:59,380 --> 00:57:02,770
Richard Hammond, you were last,
and for that you get nought.

1080
00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:05,570
Yep, OK, fair enough. Then
we move on to lap times.

1081
00:57:05,620 --> 00:57:08,570
Now, remember, you get a point
for every second your ambulance

1082
00:57:08,620 --> 00:57:11,850
got round the track driven by
the Stig in under three minutes.

1083
00:57:11,900 --> 00:57:15,010
I get 43 points, there we go.

1084
00:57:15,060 --> 00:57:19,770
~ Jeremy, you did it in...
~ 2.24.
~ So you get, uh, it's 36.

1085
00:57:19,820 --> 00:57:23,410
~ 36 points.
~ Yeah. And now, James, um...

1086
00:57:23,460 --> 00:57:25,290
LAUGHTER

1087
00:57:25,340 --> 00:57:29,650
Yours works out, I'm afraid,
at minus 568 there.

1088
00:57:29,700 --> 00:57:32,490
~ Rubbish!
~ No, I'm afraid your tailgate

1089
00:57:32,540 --> 00:57:35,410
coming down, that let you down badly.

1090
00:57:35,460 --> 00:57:38,130
All right, never mind. Let's
move on - medical procedures.

1091
00:57:38,180 --> 00:57:40,530
Now, uh, I performed two of those,

1092
00:57:40,580 --> 00:57:44,010
you get 7 points for each
one, so I got 14 points.

1093
00:57:44,060 --> 00:57:47,050
Richard Hammond, you actually
performed three,

1094
00:57:47,100 --> 00:57:49,010
so you get 21 points.

1095
00:57:49,060 --> 00:57:50,690
Uh, no, hang on a minute.

1096
00:57:50,740 --> 00:57:53,730
I did four, because I did the
intestines, the catheter,

1097
00:57:53,780 --> 00:57:55,290
the drip and I did the airway.

1098
00:57:55,340 --> 00:57:57,210
Yeah, but you weren't
asked to do the airway.

1099
00:57:57,260 --> 00:57:59,650
~ Yes, but I did it.
~ You could've done a breast enlargement,

1100
00:57:59,700 --> 00:58:01,890
it wouldn't have made any
difference to your points.

1101
00:58:01,940 --> 00:58:03,930
You were asked to do three
things, you did them,

1102
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:07,130
~ stop moaning. What did I get?
~ Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing,

1103
00:58:07,180 --> 00:58:09,410
~ because you, I'm afraid, got nought.
~ Oh, that's cos

1104
00:58:09,460 --> 00:58:12,530
I was rather transfixed
by my patient's... thing.

1105
00:58:12,580 --> 00:58:14,250
♪ Trust in me... ♪

1106
00:58:14,300 --> 00:58:17,610
No, I was. I went round one corner,
it nearly went in my mouth.

1107
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:19,170
~ LAUGHTER
~ Yes.

1108
00:58:19,220 --> 00:58:20,730
That would've been bad.

1109
00:58:20,780 --> 00:58:22,930
Let's move on to value.

1110
00:58:22,980 --> 00:58:26,130
~ Uh, Richard Hammond, yours
was the most expensive.
~ It was.

1111
00:58:26,180 --> 00:58:27,930
~ Can you believe it?
~ I know. Well...

1112
00:58:27,980 --> 00:58:29,970
Difficult, but, uh, you get nought.

1113
00:58:30,020 --> 00:58:34,410
Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very
slightly cheaper, so you get 5.

1114
00:58:34,460 --> 00:58:39,090
Mine was very much cheaper,
at just £1,800, I get 10.

1115
00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:42,250
~ 10 points there.
~ OK, moving on. Now, sirens.

1116
00:58:42,300 --> 00:58:45,530
~ Mine, uh, was rubbish, really, I'll confess.
~ It was.

1117
00:58:45,580 --> 00:58:48,650
~ It was. So I get nought there.
~ It was childish and rubbish.

1118
00:58:48,700 --> 00:58:50,770
Jeremy, yours didn't
work either, did it?

1119
00:58:50,820 --> 00:58:52,930
It didn't. Wasn't childish,
it just didn't work.

1120
00:58:52,980 --> 00:58:54,770
It was rubbish.

1121
00:58:54,820 --> 00:59:00,290
James, you get minus
461 for that one.

1122
00:59:00,340 --> 00:59:02,330
How do you work that out?

1123
00:59:02,380 --> 00:59:04,650
Well, because not only
was your siren inaudible,

1124
00:59:04,700 --> 00:59:07,170
but it doesn't actually
say "ambulance"

1125
00:59:07,220 --> 00:59:09,570
~ on the front of your ambulance.
~ Yes, it does!
~ It doesn't.

1126
00:59:09,620 --> 00:59:11,490
Look, you've written
the word backwards,

1127
00:59:11,540 --> 00:59:14,370
but you've got the letters
the right way around still.

1128
00:59:14,420 --> 00:59:16,770
Yes, I know, but the
shop where I went

1129
00:59:16,820 --> 00:59:19,290
didn't have back-to-front
ambulance lettering.

1130
00:59:19,340 --> 00:59:21,290
Yes, yes, and as a result of that,

1131
00:59:21,340 --> 00:59:24,370
~ you are now on exactly minus 1,000.
~ Yes, you are.

1132
00:59:24,420 --> 00:59:26,250
~ LAUGHTER
~ That's absolutely remarkable.

1133
00:59:26,300 --> 00:59:28,730
That's incredible. Incredible
maths, but there we are.

1134
00:59:28,780 --> 00:59:31,410
It doesn't matter, I'm going
to claw something back here.

1135
00:59:31,460 --> 00:59:32,770
The race to the hospital.

1136
00:59:32,820 --> 00:59:35,130
Yeah, you are. Because
you came first.

1137
00:59:35,180 --> 00:59:37,330
For that, you get 10 points.

1138
00:59:37,380 --> 00:59:40,290
~ Jeremy, you came second,
so it's 5 points for you.
~ Yes.

1139
00:59:40,340 --> 00:59:44,810
And I came stone dead last, so I get
no points on that particular one.

1140
00:59:44,860 --> 00:59:46,490
Oh, now look, here we are.

1141
00:59:46,540 --> 00:59:49,930
James is back to... yeah, minus 990.

1142
00:59:49,980 --> 00:59:53,130
He's catching up. Right,
delivery systems.

1143
00:59:53,180 --> 00:59:55,210
Now, mine didn't really work, did it?

1144
00:59:55,260 --> 00:59:58,810
No, well, your door didn't work
one time, and you fired a man

1145
00:59:58,860 --> 01:00:01,410
through a window the second
time, so that's definitely no.

1146
01:00:01,460 --> 01:00:03,250
Yeah, that did happen.

1147
01:00:03,300 --> 01:00:07,210
James, you didn't actually
have a patient to deliver.

1148
01:00:07,260 --> 01:00:10,370
~ No, you didn't.
~ So I'm afraid you get minus 10 for that.

1149
01:00:10,420 --> 01:00:13,570
Oh, no. All gone wrong.

1150
01:00:13,620 --> 01:00:16,170
Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work.

1151
01:00:16,220 --> 01:00:18,970
It did, so you get 5 points. Right.

1152
01:00:19,020 --> 01:00:22,370
So hang on a minute, hang on, hang
on, hang on... this is close.

1153
01:00:22,420 --> 01:00:25,730
Not with you, obviously,
James, but Hammond and I,

1154
01:00:25,780 --> 01:00:29,170
I'm only now... I'm only
three points behind you.

1155
01:00:29,220 --> 01:00:30,890
And we arrive at this bit.

1156
01:00:30,940 --> 01:00:34,290
OK, this is the condition of
the patient when he arrived...

1157
01:00:34,340 --> 01:00:36,570
Well, I say "he", the
"she", whatever it was.

1158
01:00:36,620 --> 01:00:38,490
~ .. arrived at the hospital.
~ Yeah.

1159
01:00:38,540 --> 01:00:40,930
So, ahem, here we go. James May...

1160
01:00:40,980 --> 01:00:43,570
~ Yes.
~ Your patient condition was...

1161
01:00:43,620 --> 01:00:44,970
Missing.

1162
01:00:45,020 --> 01:00:47,650
~ LAUGHTER
~ Yes. Presumed dead.

1163
01:00:47,700 --> 01:00:50,010
~ Yeah, dead.
~ So you score...

1164
01:00:50,060 --> 01:00:51,850
~ Uh, nought.
~ Right, nought.

1165
01:00:51,900 --> 01:00:54,810
~ The condition of Hammond's patient?
~ Dead.

1166
01:00:54,860 --> 01:00:57,850
~ Right, so he scores...
~ Nought.

1167
01:00:57,900 --> 01:01:00,410
Ahem, and the condition
of my patient?

1168
01:01:00,460 --> 01:01:02,860
Your patient, Jeremy, was alive.

1169
01:01:04,500 --> 01:01:07,060
~ And so I score...?
~ One.

1170
01:01:09,580 --> 01:01:13,610
~ What do you mean, one?
~ It's nought for dead, one for alive.

1171
01:01:13,660 --> 01:01:16,490
I was the only one of the three of us

1172
01:01:16,540 --> 01:01:19,570
who got a patient to a hospital
alive, and that matters!

1173
01:01:19,620 --> 01:01:21,930
Yes, and that's why
you got that point.

1174
01:01:21,980 --> 01:01:24,330
So you're saying that because
I only get one point,

1175
01:01:24,380 --> 01:01:27,690
I'm... That means I now lose to you,

1176
01:01:27,740 --> 01:01:31,730
even though your van
was slow, expensive,

1177
01:01:31,780 --> 01:01:34,770
its brakes caught fire
every time you tried to

1178
01:01:34,820 --> 01:01:37,570
slow down, and it killed everybody
who got into the back of it.

1179
01:01:37,620 --> 01:01:39,210
Yep.

1180
01:01:39,260 --> 01:01:42,170
And the only reason you won
is because you happened to be

1181
01:01:42,220 --> 01:01:44,610
good at putting a tube
in a ladyboy's sausage.

1182
01:01:44,660 --> 01:01:47,530
~ Yep.
~ Which means that you, Richard Hammond,

1183
01:01:47,580 --> 01:01:51,370
have single handedly ruined
the National Health Service.

1184
01:01:51,420 --> 01:01:52,890
Yep.

1185
01:01:52,940 --> 01:01:55,130
And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

1186
01:01:55,180 --> 01:01:58,050
Thank you so much for watching.
See you again next week.

1187
01:01:58,100 --> 01:01:59,660
Good night.

1187
01:02:00,305 --> 01:02:06,791
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