1
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,758
Now that was some fantastic chow mein

2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,220
and before you say that sounded racist,
you can ask the waiter how they say it.

3
00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:14,723
It's Panda Express, honey.
The waiter’s from Portland.

4
00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:17,684
Alright who the hell changed my ringtone
to the theme from Taxi?

5
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,311
It's a new thing on Taxi Tok,

6
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,648
that's a subculture on TikTok of kids
who decided the theme from Taxi slaps.

7
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,484
Now you have to play the Taxi theme
for ten people while I film it.

8
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:28,153
I don't have to do shit, that's dumb.

9
00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,364
It raises awareness for leukemia.

10
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,617
So. Who else is excited
for the zoo tomorrow?

11
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,203
Zoos are my favorite kind
of non-water park.

12
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,289
It's just a shame that they both
give you diarrhea.

13
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,332
You only get diarrhea at the zoo

14
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,626
if you eat the food you're supposed
to feed to the animals.

15
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,046
-Which you've done, twice.
-They put it in gumball machines.

16
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,675
You know Fortune Cookies only come true
if you eat the cookie first.

17
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:55,346
Alright. ''Hard work often pays off?''
Lame.

18
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,224
''Family time is time well spent.''

19
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,351
OK, that's not only empty,
it's been disproven.

20
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,687
OK, mine says,
''Family time is time well...''

21
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,189
Man I got the same one.

22
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,568
What's your stupid twenty first century
watered down fortune cookie say, Dad?

23
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,945
''You will have sex with your mother.''

24
00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,567
Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right?

25
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:53,238
Jerry, are you seriously asking if I think
you're gonna have sex with your mom?

26
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:58,243
No, I wanted to ask if it's okay with you
if I make myself throw up the cookie.

27
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:01,162
If it makes you feel better
and you can do it quietly, yes,

28
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,997
but don't hand that advice down to Summer.

29
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,379
Can't do it. Sleepy Gary ruined
my Gag reflex,

30
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,965
which is frustrating because
Sleepy Gary wasn't real.

31
00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:14,676
Neither are fortune cookies.
Go to sleep, Jerry.

32
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:18,429
I know they're not real.
It’s just, why is it so specific?

33
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:21,558
And why are three of the numbers
a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday?

34
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,435
-Can we investigate this, Rick?
-It’s not an X-file, Jerry,

35
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,563
you got the world's last
interesting fortune

36
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,315
Dad, can you explain to TikTok
what's going on with your mom?

37
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,985
Summer, no social videoing.
What if Mi-Maw sees it?

38
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:34,279
We can't let her know
this is a thing that might happen.

39
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,156
-Might?
-She's calling again.

40
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,702
-She doesn't usually call this much.
-Because you don't usually ghost her

41
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,371
because you don't usually decide
you’re at risk of...

42
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,665
What if she's calling me
to tell me I'm adopted?

43
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:47,667
Well, yeah, then you should
definitely hit that.

44
00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:51,921
-That's not funny!
-Jerry, you're making it funny

45
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,549
by taking it seriously.
And none of us will be laughing

46
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,175
if you let this ruin our zoo trip.

47
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,260
Rick. Can you use science

48
00:02:57,343 --> 00:03:00,054
-to make it impossible for me to...
-Jerry, you're insulting science.

49
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,390
And as the most powerful man
in the universe,

50
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:04,684
if I create technology to prevent
a random occurrence,

51
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,978
I'll end up making it
more possible than random.

52
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,066
-When do we leave for the zoo?
-One hour.

53
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,570
-You have one hour to let go of this.
-I'm already done thinking about it.

54
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,952
Check that out.

55
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415
No!

56
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,173
Let me out! Let me out!

57
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,093
-You have ten seconds.
-I want to go.

58
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,511
You know of my love for the zoo.

59
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,723
-Why are you dressed like Morty?
-Because Morty's mom is Beth.

60
00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,141
I'm not unpacking that.

61
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,187
Okay, if you think I have this much
patience for the zoo, on Earth,

62
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,731
-you're sorely mistaken.
-Jerry, if you don't come with us

63
00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:53,232
I will be so disappointed

64
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:56,110
You guys should probably go on
without Jerry. I just took some readings

65
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,988
on his probability field and this fortune
has some strange powers

66
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,658
-I'm gonna need to investigate.
-Really? God, I knew it.

67
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:03,993
Okay. Well. Be careful, honey.

68
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,495
Bring me back a handful
of zebra snacks?

69
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:09,040
And please take pictures with
my favorite animal, the white tiger.

70
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:11,292
-Because they breed via incest?
-Is that true?

71
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,298
-I knew I was right.
-Not even close.

72
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,009
I just didn't want to see someone
get bullied into going to a zoo.

73
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,220
You may be the single dumbest
human I've ever met, Jerry,

74
00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:25,306
but you still have a right to take
whatever you want seriously.

75
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:28,142
Thank you. But if that thing says
I'm not gonna do it with my mom,

76
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,143
I can go to the zoo.

77
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,980
Jerry, this thing measures
aberrations in probability waves,

78
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:34,315
I didn't even bother to turn it on
because if I did...

79
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,403
-What?
-Nothing. Don't get weird on me.

80
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:41,739
But, since we're free for the afternoon,
you mind doing a quick activity?

81
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,409
We're gonna disprove this
with efficient brute force.

82
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:47,286
These are two shoeboxes, both are empty
but I wrote your mother's name

83
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:50,289
-on the inside of one.
-What? God no. If you think for a second

84
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,542
-I'm gonna put my...
-Good, I didn't wanna do this anyway.

85
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:56,421
Fine! Can I just tell you which box
I would put my penis in?

86
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,340
Saying it seems worse, but okay.

87
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,260
Alright. I would put my penis
in the box on the right.

88
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:05,596
Great, look in the other direction
and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.

89
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,474
-This feels really low-tech.
-Yeah, cause we're measuring reality.

90
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,480
I would take out my penis and place
it in the box on the right.

91
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:15,481
Again.

92
00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:19,110
-I would put my penis...
-Jerry, you don't have

93
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,320
to say penis every time,
just left or right

94
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,282
-This was your idea.
-I didn't think it'd go on this long.

95
00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:27,702
-Okay, penis, Left.
-Keep going.

96
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,620
Right.

97
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,289
Left.

98
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,584
-Right.
-Jerry are you fucking peeking?

99
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,045
Tell me what's going on.
You're scaring me.

100
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,592
Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon
as I am to become a dolphin.

101
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:43,968
Those are things that could happen?

102
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,054
Jerry, everything is as likely
as anything else.

103
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,308
Which is why it's weird
that you're at all likely to...

104
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:51,726
To what? To what?

105
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,520
Jerry, has your mother
been leaving messages?

106
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,982
-Three texts. I'm afraid to read them.
-Read them.

107
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:02,236
She's asking if she can come visit.
Why would she want that?

108
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,198
Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something
I've never told anyone.

109
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,658
We need to go to Panda Express.

110
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:11,537
If these guys wanted my respect, they
could've just gotten a liquor license.

111
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,498
Now you think this
has something to do with you?

112
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:16,292
Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune
has, like, god powers.

113
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,002
Of course it has something to do with me,

114
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,463
what do you think I am in this story,
the father-in-law?

115
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,011
You guys wanted my attention?

116
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,140
Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals.

117
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:36,479
Stay here, Jerry, time to kick ass.
Gonna need a soundtrack.

118
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,689
Ship! Favorites playlist, track one!

119
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,529
Alright, fine, no wrong answers.

120
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,381
Tell me where you get
your cookies at and we can

121
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:06,259
-all walk out of here alive! DEA?
-Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! Cookies?

122
00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,302
-Fortune cookies.
-You're not here about our gang's

123
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,595
-city-wide meth ring?
-What? No.

124
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,681
Break the laws,
they shouldn't exist anyway.

125
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,060
-I am embarrassed.
-Me too.

126
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:20,106
-Sorry about these dead guys.
-Comes with the territory.

127
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,568
-So where do you get your cookies?
-Same distributor as everyone else.

128
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,361
-That's their truck out back.
-Solid.

129
00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:28,030
OK, I'm gonna take the truck
in exchange for not turning you in.

130
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:38,583
Jeez, how much money can there be
in cookies that you get for free?

131
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:43,045
And now we're being retina scanned?
I know! I've got a theory, Jerry.

132
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,257
-Good.
-This place is run by Cookie Monster.

133
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,968
He's really protective about his cookies.

134
00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:50,720
C'mon man you can't crack a smile?

135
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,723
Yeah, you're worried about doing it
with your mom. Okay, fair enough.

136
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:03,524
Fuckin' cameras everywhere. That cup
is a camera. That tree is a camera.

137
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,194
-Can you disable them?
-Stealth rule number one:

138
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:09,572
turning off 300 cameras draws
more attention than changing outfits.

139
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,533
Looks like we need to dress for success.

140
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,536
Eye of Thundara,
give me suits beyond suits.

141
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,248
Jerry assistant clothing, make-up.

142
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,089
-What the hell was that?
-Reuseable Sailor Moon sequence.

143
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300
If we ever need to show you
becoming my assistant again,

144
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,010
we can repeat it and
save lots of money.

145
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,520
Why does an operation bigger than
the government want me to

146
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,022
couple with my mother?

147
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,499
Bezos, Bill Gates, prime ministers.

148
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:03,459
Weirdly Billy Zane is also here.

149
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,046
Hello. You're about to meet me,
Jennith Padrow-Chunt.

150
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:10,299
Fifteen years ago, I was living in
my parent’s garage,

151
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,177
eating ramen out of a toilet
when I discovered something.

152
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:18,349
Fate isn’t fiction. Everything you want
can be yours, if you ask for it.

153
00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:20,184
Just ask me.

154
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,103
-Hello, me.
-Hello, me.

155
00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:25,439
Look at me's. Every suit I wear
is virgin white.

156
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,985
I sleep on a bed of loose grains,
and begin every morning by dragging

157
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:33,197
my perfect vagina across
Chinese silver grass. I'm firm and ripe.

158
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,410
My mother's plane just landed.
She took a photo at the airport,

159
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,662
in front of that Wolfgang Puck
that smells like a kindergarten.

160
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,540
Want to know the secret
to how I changed my future?

161
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:45,293
-Yes.
-Well, once you're a level seven investor

162
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,003
you'll learn that and more.

163
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,298
Yeah, we're not getting the answers
we want here. Let's go deeper.

164
00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:58,055
And now, thanks to your
generous contributions,

165
00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,348
here are this year's cookies.

166
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,729
''You will receive a six-point-eight
percent year on year increase'' Very nice.

167
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:09,275
''Your talents are appreciated
when you become junior partner.''

168
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:12,445
Holy shit I'm gonna be on
'Dancing with the Stars'!

169
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:17,325
-Please, I can get the money. I swear!
-I'm afraid it's too late for that.

170
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,702
God what does it say?

171
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:24,373
Your penis will be mangled by
afrozen yogurt machine at the U.N.!

172
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,583
I know that machine!

173
00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:29,253
This would sound impossible to a layman
but to me it rings inevitable!

174
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:33,424
Holy shit. This is real.
They're controlling fate for profit.

175
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:36,427
I'm glad you're happy, now can we
blow up the building or something?

176
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,096
I don't think that's the best way
to take away their power, Jerry.

177
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,140
Let's take it in a way
that ends with us having it.

178
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:43,267
-You mean you having it.
-I'll share it.

179
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,478
-Then you fuck my mom.
-That's not how it works

180
00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,438
-and I already have.
-What?

181
00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,190
Jesus, Jerry, come on.

182
00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,151
How unfortunate.

183
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,445
Use the emergency fortunes!

184
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,323
Fighting Fortunes? They're leveling up.

185
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,993
''You'll have great success in a fight''

186
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,120
I'll be damned

187
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,545
Fuck! This both sucks and
is really valuable data!

188
00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,095
-Rick what are you doing?!
-Using you as a human shield!

189
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,347
You said it! You said the thing
I thought you were doing!!

190
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:27,645
We've got intruders. And one of them
has an unresolved fortune.

191
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:33,067
-We need that man's mother.
-Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.

192
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,985
But only one of them is Mrs.

193
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,405
God damn it, Smith?

194
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,664
So are we going to ignore that you
tried to stop bullets using my body?

195
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,417
You have an unresolved fortune.
Until you have sex with your mom,

196
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,420
you're basically immortal. Do you have
any idea how amazing that is?

197
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:56,006
You don't even care about me.
You just want fortune cookie power.

198
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,635
Okay, Jerry, how about this.
If it comes down to it,

199
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:02,138
-I promise I'll put a bullet in her head.
-No!

200
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,557
You're right, the fortune didn't say
she'd be alive, did it?

201
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,475
-I hate you!
-Hate productive things.

202
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,519
Hate crawling through a fucking air vent.

203
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,690
Those are those weird hex headed screws.
Do your screwdriver fingers...

204
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,499
Here you go.

205
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,420
Well, at least we have no idea
what's going on.

206
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:37,548
That's a Lockerean.
It's a species that eats chaos.

207
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:41,010
But It has a digestive disorder
Its stomach is stripping randomness

208
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,554
from spacetime and leaving behind
superdense pockets of energy

209
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,056
that bend entropy towards
definable outcomes.

210
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,726
I mean, that's how fate works.
It's a field, like gravity,

211
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:52,021
but instead of pulling small toward big
it pulls unknown toward known.

212
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,398
-So we do know what’s going on.
-We know this:

213
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,734
everyone that's had a fortune cookie
in the last twenty years

214
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,737
has eaten this thing's poop.
Fortune cookies are alien poop.

215
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,698
These fortunes are so basic.

216
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:05,075
Why wouldn't you use this
power to change the world?

217
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,912
Or at least get Nintendo
to make a portable VR headset.

218
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,582
This place ain't for creating
the future, but controlling it.

219
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:16,545
Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee.
The M. Stands for Man.

220
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:20,090
You're an arch little character.
You're the reason fortune cookies suck?

221
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,092
No, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.

222
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,470
You have to glut the marketplace
with pointless fortunes

223
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:26,388
to increase the value of real ones.

224
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:30,643
Controlling destiny for a price,
that's the Fortune 500's fortune.

225
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,688
-And you're trying to stop them?
-Just trying to get out.

226
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,692
I want to be free with this here
alien gal so we can get married.

227
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,444
Then we can have relations.

228
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:43,697
Can't do that before marriage, you know.
I'm a Catholic.

229
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,407
Does the alien want that?

230
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,993
It's not exactly what I'd call
a sentient species.

231
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,119
A man knows.

232
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,704
What does this have to do with me?

233
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,581
You put this in my cookie.

234
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,336
I been trying to get people's attention.
I'd make fortunes saying

235
00:13:57,419 --> 00:14:00,965
''You're gonna break your leg unless
you investigate this cookie company.''

236
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:04,552
or ''please come help me or
a virus will shut down the world,''

237
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,554
finally I just made a bunch that said

238
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:09,139
"You’re gonna have sex
with your own momma."

239
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,433
How many?
It, what happened to the others?

240
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,352
I 'spose they fucked their moms.

241
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,021
Now let's cut her chains
and get the hell out of here.

242
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,150
Well, shit on a spaghetti.

243
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,570
Hello Jerry Smith.
Glad you could join us

244
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,155
-on bring your mother to work day.
-Mom!

245
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:29,368
Hi, Jerry. Your friends
picked me up in a limousine.

246
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:32,204
They said you won something and
I should be the one to give it to you?

247
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,582
-You sick fucks.
-Are you guys enjoying this?

248
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,585
I used to think I was
just a regular white woman.

249
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,254
Then I discovered I could
control my destiny.

250
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:43,340
All white women think that.
The truth is, this alien crashed

251
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:47,052
-in your yard and you ate its shit.
-How dare you. What’s your name?

252
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,680
How dare you?
We should’ve blown up the building.

253
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,432
Doesn't matter.
All I was gonna say is:

254
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:55,352
guess what, insert name,
time for you to eat shit. But first.

255
00:14:57,104 --> 00:15:00,024
-No, I'm so wet.
-No.

256
00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,358
Jerry. Come back and block bullets.

257
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,153
Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes.

258
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:12,453
-Fuck!
-You can't hide.

259
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,288
My fortune said ''eadshots Only.''

260
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:19,251
Harry, Greg, Lashawn,
Dave C, Dave M, no!

261
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,128
You piece of shit you killed my friends.

262
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,132
Alright, what does the future hold?

263
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,098
Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.

264
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,225
Blast him or we're both gonna die.

265
00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:36,560
Oh god, oh god.

266
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,231
You control-control water.
Like, the water inside a guy.

267
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,983
That's a gross power.

268
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,698
I’m gonna let you live because
your fortune sucks.

269
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,575
You can't kill me.
I can't be killed.

270
00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,244
Trust me, that's not
as good as it sounds.

271
00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,625
It hurts! It burns!

272
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:04,046
Fuck! Oh my god my ribs!
I can feel my shattered ribs.

273
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,431
Shit these are useless.
Where are the fighting fortunes?

274
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,268
No no! Those are blanks!
Without fortunes,

275
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,480
-the effects are completely unpredictable!
-Alright.

276
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,576
I am the son of god.

277
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,167
Jerry! Help me, Jerry!

278
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,254
Mom, stay away! Just stay away!

279
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,339
Come on and fuck already!

280
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,634
Ma'am, is it possible we're being
given a chance to take a step back

281
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,094
and examine our behav....

282
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:58,976
You can't kill me, old man.
I also have an unresolved fortune.

283
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,937
''The most successful
businesswoman on Earth?''

284
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:04,565
You could do anything you wanted
and you chose... work?

285
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,152
Every day I get closer
to an unattainable goal.

286
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:11,488
A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever.

287
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,199
Well, I just used a dark web account
to hack Goldman Sachs,

288
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,286
remove trillions of dollars, and purchase
everything your company offers.

289
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:20,664
Congratulations, you're officially the
most successful business woman on Earth.

290
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,292
Fortune fulfilled. And now,
I'm emptying your bank accounts

291
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:25,127
and giving the money back
to Goldman Sachs.

292
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,296
Because I sit dead center
on the alignment chart.

293
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,340
You son of a bitch!

294
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,676
How does it feel to achieve your dreams?
Empty, right?

295
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:36,096
Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar.
You could see it in his face.

296
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,309
I still have one more dream,

297
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:45,689
watching you die, Rick Sanchez!

298
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,024
You knew my name.

299
00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,579
She's free!
Run, run my beauty!

300
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,629
Well, butterfly on a corncob.

301
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:13,383
I see that I've romanticized a wild animal
the same way Margret Howe did

302
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,553
when she jerked off that dolphin
in the nineteen-and sixty's.

303
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,640
Both she and I assaulted
a captive creature,

304
00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:22,059
then expected it to be reciprocal.

305
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,270
Welp, joopity boot! Time to die.

306
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,236
Follow me, my queen!

307
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,533
That's all the bad guys down,
we almost got this, Jer.

308
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,499
No!

309
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:49,002
Sticks to walls guy,
I guess we were both wrong!

310
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,505
Oh god.

311
00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:03,267
-Rick, please!
-Jerry, I've got the creature.

312
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,144
-I knew it. I knew it.
-God damn it

313
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,318
Oh god!

314
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,114
Goddammit.

315
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,332
-Holy shit that was close.
-Close to what?

316
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,086
Close to everyone but your son
getting anything they want forever.

317
00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:32,129
You saved me.

318
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:36,216
I will never stop holding this over you.
As if that buys me anything.

319
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968
We should get you some clothes, son.

320
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,975
I can just feel the savings.

321
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,689
Hey wait. Got this
at the crazy place we just were.

322
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,526
It may look like someone stuck a
hand-written fortune in there last second,

323
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,445
but I'm pretty sure
that's just the way it came.

324
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,655
Besides, these don’t mean anything.

325
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,618
Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,

326
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,329
thisis a huge waste
of the last real fortune.

327
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,457
-I'm sorry, I just...
-It's cool, it's cool.

328
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,083
Thanks, friend.

329
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,669
-Friend! Did you just say friend?
-What, what did I do?

330
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:16,048
You fucking idiot! I’m not your friend!
Why did you think I was your friend?

331
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,467
-Look at this you piece of shit.
-Yeah, yeah, yes, so

332
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,178
I was immortal!
I was immortal for that whole fight!

333
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:23,180
All I had to do was
never make a new friend!

334
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,682
-Jesus fucking Christ Jerry.
-I'm sorry! We're not friends!

335
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:29,144
Yeah, too late, bonehead, it doesn't say
''new permanent friend,''

336
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:31,438
all friendships end.
Especially new ones.

337
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:35,233
Well maybe that’s a fate
the two of us still control.

338
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,575
-I'm sorry I did that.
-It's fine.

339
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,454
The zoo, animals, balloons, moats, cages.
A fun time for the whole family.

340
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,707
But you don't care about that,
you're a zebra.

341
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:35,293
You're here for the unparalleled dining
experience of hand-fed zebra food.

342
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,172
Delicious. Wait, don't eat.
That's for the zebras.

343
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,091
It's making you sick.
What are you doing?

344
00:21:41,174 --> 00:21:44,094
Jesus, why have they left all the zebra
feeding to the people who come to the zoo

345
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,596
Is that the only way the zebras
can get food? They’re so hungry.

346
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,266
What the fuck is happening?
We're out of zebra food, okay?

347
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,268
There's no food left,
don't come to the zoo.

348
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:54,312
This was supposed to be a commercial
for zebras, targeted to zebras!

349
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,274
The premise itself was questionable
but this is a nightmare!

350
00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,317
Don’t go to the zoo.
Stay away from the zoo.

351
00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,279
God what are you doing in the booth?
Get out! Get out, you're mad...

352
00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,451
Eat it. Eat zebra food.

353
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,620
Okay, I guess I can’t blame Dad
for being confused about what to do

354
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:14,124
with the zebra food. Also, I have no idea
why they're running this ad, like

355
00:22:14,207 --> 00:22:16,126
on a loop? There were murders in it.

356
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,046
And it was specifically telling you to do
the thing it didn’t want you to do,

357
00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:20,714
until the very end,
when it reversed.

358
00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:23,592
Why would they sell the zebra food
in the gift shop, unless.

359
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:27,137
I mean, do the zebras shop in here?
Are we the ones in the zoo?

360
00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:30,057
Is that the twist?
OK, we're, it's a human zoo. Got it.